The 5 Major Types of Dysfunctional Families

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No family is perfect. Likewise, no family, or social system for that matter, will be completely void of dysfunction. But occasional dysfunctional behavior does not automatically create the kind of family dysfunction that causes trauma. Rather this comes through patterns of repeated behavior, resulting in a dysfunctional “culture” within the family unit that is compounded by a lack of awareness or insight into how these patterns affect the growing and developing children.

Dysfunctional families do more than demonstrate odd behaviors. Each member of the family is conditioned to behave and expect unhealthy behaviors to maintain the family’s homeostasis. “They take care of the system’s need for balance, rather than their own needs for growth” (Bradshaw 1988, p47).

It can be easy to look at a list of family characteristics and agree that they appear dysfunctional, but it can be much more of a struggle to form that awareness about our own histories. Knowing the ways in which our family engaged in unhealthy behaviors is less about blame, and more about understanding how that contributed to who we are today.

In my practice as well as my personal life, I have noticed five types of dysfunctional families:

1. The “It’s Not Us, It’s Them” Family. This family has no problems at all because it projects any and all issues outside of the family unit. Outsiders are the ones with the problem, not anyone in these families. They think they are the ones who have it together, no problems, but they just can't seem to relate to anyone else, especially outsiders.

Raised in a highly religious family, Chester grew up believing that his family was perfect because of their faith. No matter what happened to challenge that, like Chester getting in trouble at school, it was someone else’s fault. From the teacher or school to the parents of his friends, they always had someone else to blame for their problems.

2. The “What Will the Neighbors Think?” Family. These are the families who are so worried about what others think that it completely consumes how they act and present themselves. Even in times of stress or grief, makeup is applied perfectly, clothes pressed, always giving the impression that “we have it together.” Letting on about their problems would be disastrous, and could jeopardize the family's control.

Elina grew up in a family that always appeared perfect from the outside. Inside, her father was a severe alcoholic, and the family survived on her mother’s trust fund. It was a very chaotic and traumatic environment. Yet, her mother would act like everything was perfect when speaking to outsiders, which confused Elina. “My dad would be at home sleeping off a hangover, and my mom would tell the dentist he was home painting the kitchen.”

3. The “Identified Patient” Family. These families owe all of their struggles and problems to one member of the family. There is always one who is to blame. In therapy, they are the ones who come in saying, “We would be fine if only little Timmy would behave in school," or "This all started when Chassidy started smoking pot."

Alyssa was always blamed for her family’s problems. As a child, she had behavior difficulties and was in trouble in school often, which morphed into teenage years filled with skipping school and dabbling in drug use. “It was the stress that she put on our family,” her mother said about her daughter’s role in the family’s problems. She is still blamed for the family’s troubles today, even as an adult, and had to make the decision to part ways for her own mental health and healing.

4. The “Ferris Wheel” Family. This family is unreliable and inconsistent. Usually, there are people bearing the burdens of addiction, mental illness, and lots of trauma, resulting in ups and downs and unpredictability.

“It was basically a flophouse,” said Raoul about the home where he grew up, filled with abuse, chaos, and the drug-fueled rages of his aunt. When sober, his aunt was calmer, made dinner occasionally, and helped Raoul get to his medical appointments. Then, she would start using again, get sent to rehab, and the cycle would start over. He had periods of stability, followed by longer periods of chaos. “Sometimes it was just easier when she was using, because then we knew what to expect. When she was sober, it was like we were always waiting for the inevitable shoe to drop.”

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5. The “Just Trying to Survive” Family. These are often families who are just trying to make it through. Many are dealing with impossible situations like generational poverty and neighborhoods of violence.

“We didn’t have the luxury of having dysfunction,” Austin put it. “We were just trying to make it through the day.” He grew up in a rough neighborhood filled with gang violence and poverty. He knew more people involved in gangs than people who graduated. “We all knew someone who was shot or overdosed from drugs. Some months I lived with my mom, sometimes I stayed with my me-maw—wherever there was a couch. I changed schools so many times that I eventually just dropped out.”

After reading the list of characteristics above, take a moment to make note of any that stood out to you. Certainly, not all families will fall into neat little categories like the five listed. Furthermore, not all families will exhibit all of the same dysfunctional traits. Some have a combination of a few, and some might only contain one, but expressed to an extreme.

Some traits might sound foreign or extreme, while others you may not have realized were dysfunctional, yet you may now recognize yourself unknowingly repeating in your own relationships and family. The act of acknowledging is, in itself, healing, and does not mean you condone or accept any dysfunctional behavior.

It is common for the act of revisiting childhood memories to be painful or difficult, and there is no shame in seeking therapy or additional support if it brings up difficult feelings. Search Psychology Today for a therapist who specializes in family dynamics and childhood trauma.

Excerpted, in part, from my book Breaking the Cycle: The 6 Stages of Healing from Childhood Family Trauma.

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