5 Ways to Ramp Up Your Self-Esteem

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When you think about it, self-esteem is a strange concept — this notion of stepping back and taking stock of how we feel about who we are.

It’s also a fairly modern one: No one before the 1700s gave it a thought. Who first did give it a thought was the philosopher David Hume in the latter 18thcentury, but self-esteem didn't make its grand entrance into the psychological world until 1890 with the work of American psychologist William James.

After that, it slowly but steadily took off. In 1943, psychologist Abraham Maslow included having positive self-esteem as one of the steps in his hierarchy of needs. Carl Rogers, the father of humanistic psychology, built self-esteem into his client-centered model with its concept of "unconditional positive regard."

Public education has embraced it. In my clinical experience, novice therapists may be more likely to focus on increasing self-esteem as a treatment goal, regardless of the client's presenting problems

And maybe they should. The research shows that good self-esteem is tied to life satisfaction, the ability to accomplish goals and manage stress, and develop and sustain good relationships, while poor self-esteem leads to the opposite: depression, a sense of failure, poor relationships, and often a struggle to cope with everyday life. If you feel your self-image seems to be sagging, here are five suggestions to give it a boost:

1. Have multiple baskets to measure your life.

If your opinion of yourself on any given day rests on how well you do on your job or on how well your kids are managing their lives, you’re in trouble. Why? Because a good portion of what unfolds—how well the company is doing, the personality of your boss, or your kids' genetics, temperament, or the outside influences they encounter—are beyond your control.

But you’re also in trouble because you're dumping all of your self-esteem into one self-image basket. If the company goes bankrupt or your boss gets paranoid and fires you, or your child is diagnosed with a learning disability—your one basket is tipped over, and you have nothing to replace it or lean on.

Any financial advisor will tell you that diversification is the key to financial success—not putting your money into one stock but spreading it around. Similarly, the key to mental health is having multiple baskets, such as work, parenting, friendships, intimate relationships, hobbies, through which you can measure and balance out your life so that if one gets tipped over, you have others to provide ballast.

2. Challenge yourself, and take acceptable risks.

One of the hot topics on YouTube these days is the benefit of taking cold showers. Research has shown that stressing your physical system in this way enhances not only your immune system but also your psychological one as well, decreasing depression and anxiety. But the notion that stepping outside your comfort zone and experiencing what's called eustress is good for us is actually old news. By taking acceptable risks (think wilderness programs for teens) and challenging ourselves, we may discover that we are more capable than we thought, and this, in turn, increases our confidence and self-esteem.

3. Repair old wounds.

I’ve met them; you’ve met them — those individuals who are forever filled with regret and guilt, unhealed wounds from the past, and memories that haunt them and drag them down. This is about closure, putting the past to rest so you can finally live in the present.

There are different ways to deal with regret. Sometimes, you reach out to the people you hurt and apologize. Other times, you write down your thoughts and feelings about what happened. Whatever way we choose, the goal is to find a way to let go of the regret and move on. Sometimes it is about doing therapy to help you walk through those difficult times and have someone help cast it in a different light.

4. Push back against those critical/pessimistic voices.

People who have low self-esteem are forever putting themselves in the dog house. They have this critical inner voice that constantly scolds them, telling them that they can’t succeed, that they’ll never be good enough, that there’s no excuse for mistakes, and that they just have to try harder but don’t. No wonder these people feel anxious and depressed.

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The antidote is not accepting the story your critical voice tells you, and pushing back against this bully in your head. Like dealing with a real bully, he’s not likely to go away with one punch. You’ll need to push back again and again. But in doing so, you'll rewire your brain. Over time, the bully will begin to back off and be replaced by a kinder and more realistic voice — one that says mistakes are only labeled mistakes in hindsight, that at any given moment in the present, you’re always doing the best you can.

5. Appreciate small victories.

Your critical, scolding voice will also likely tell you that the only way you can feel better about yourself is to go big—change that attitude, do the turn-your-life-around makeover. But the reality check is that not only do such campaigns set you up for failure, they're unnecessary.

Instead of thinking "makeover," think about being curious and experimental by stepping outside your comfort zone, challenging yourself to move ahead despite how you feel, tackling your past, or pushing back against those critical voices, even if it is in baby steps.

Start anywhere, pick one thing, and do it for an hour, day, or week. Don't worry about doing better; think about doing differently.

Most of all, make sure you take the time to pat yourself on the back for taking these small steps. Small changes lead to big results, and in the light of day, you'll begin to see yourself for who you truly are.

Welcome to you.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.