Research on Forgiveness Predictors Among Divorced Parents

Source: Pexels/Pixabay

A paper published in the June 2021 issue of the Journal of Family Psychology, by Kluwer and colleagues from the Netherlands, discusses predictors of forgiveness in divorce.

The present article is a summary of two investigations reported in the paper. Let us begin with a list of the measures (and brief descriptions or sample items) that the authors administered.

Research on divorce and forgiveness: Measures

• Forgiveness: Benevolent feelings; lack of desire to get revenge or to avoid the ex.
• Self-control: “I am good at resisting temptations.”
• Anger personality trait: “It’s easy to make me angry.”
• Conflict severity: “Currently, how severe are conflicts with your ex-partner?”
• Trust: Having faith in one’s partner and seeing him/her as reliable and dependable.
• Hostile attributions: “My ex-partner is the cause of the current conflicts.”
• Narcissistic entitlement: “I deserve to be right.”
• Traumatic impact: The traumatic impact of the divorce.
• Ex-partner attachment: “I miss my former partner a lot.”
• Divorce acceptance: Feeling at peace with the divorce and the ex-romantic partner.

The same measures were used for both studies, except for “traumatic impact,” which was not used in the second investigation (due to missing values).

Research on divorce and forgiveness: Samples and findings

For the first investigation, the researchers chose a convenience sample of 136 Dutch divorced parents—average age 45 years; 72 percent females; 49 percent in a relationship with a new partner; 57 percent with a college degree; 83 percent employed; an average of two children.

Correlational analysis indicated that forgiveness was positively associated with trust and divorce acceptance, and negatively related to traumatic impact, narcissistic entitlement, conflict severity, and hostile attributions.

In addition, lower divorce acceptance predicted revenge feelings, lower contact frequency predicted feelings of avoidance, and lower contact frequency and higher acceptance predicted benevolence.

For the second study, the sample consisted of 165 Dutch participants. These individuals were involved in high-conflict divorces and had been referred for treatment. They were 50 percent females; 42 years, average age (26-66 years range); 36 percent higher educated; 92 percent working; 63 percent in a new relationship. They had an average of two children.

Results showed, when compared to the parents in the previous sample, that these parents scored lower on acceptance and trust but higher on conflict severity, narcissistic entitlement, and hostile attributions.

Analysis of the data indicated that forgiveness correlated with the same variables previously stated (except traumatic impact).

As for predictors of forgiveness, lower acceptance of the divorce and greater narcissistic entitlement predicted feelings of avoidance and revenge, and acceptance of the divorce predicted benevolence.

Additional analyses also showed, for men only, “the ex-partner’s hostile attributions uniquely predicted men’s forgiveness above and beyond their own conflict severity, trust, hostile attributions, narcissistic entitlement, and acceptance.”

Source: pasja1000/Pixabay

Predictors of forgiveness in divorced parents

In summary, in both simple and complex divorce samples, the following correlations were observed:

• Forgiveness after the divorce was less likely when conflict severity, hostile attributions, traumatic impact, and narcissistic entitlement were high.
• Forgiveness was more likely when trust and acceptance of the divorce were high instead.
• Acceptance of the divorce was a major predictor of forgiveness.
• A major predictor of the unwillingness to forgive was narcissistic entitlement.

The finding that divorce acceptance is a predictor of forgiveness is, according to Kluwer et al., a theoretically new insight, since forgiveness literature “generally addresses cognitions and emotions that involve the ability and motivation to forgive but has not considered (non)acceptance of the situation as it is.”

Forgiveness Essential Reads

Grow Proficient in Forgiveness: Practice Small Acts of Love

Forgiveness: A Critical Part of Relationships

But what does it mean to say forgiveness might be facilitated by accepting the divorce? Acceptance means neither denying one’s unpleasant feelings (e.g., sadness, grief, hurt, rage) about the divorce nor trying to change them, but simply staying with them in an open, curious, and nonjudgmental way.

As for unforgiveness, as noted earlier, narcissistic entitlement was a key predictor. This agrees with previous research that shows those who feel more entitled and believe they deserve special treatment are less likely to forgive.

Indeed, a narcissistic lack of empathy and the unwillingness to take an ex-partner’s perspective do not create the conditions for forgiveness. The authors note, “Especially in complex divorces, parents tend to have low empathy for the ex-partner and interpret events and interactions in dualistic (i.e., ‘black and white’) self-serving ways, and this can promote the vicious cycle of negative exchanges.”

Of course, narcissistic entitlement is simply one barrier to forgiveness. There are others (e.g., limited concern for the ex). And overcoming different barriers to forgiveness may require different strategies.

A common strategy to facilitate forgiveness requires seeing forgiveness as a personal decision (e.g., as an inner letting go). In other words, forgiveness is viewed as a decision independent of the other person’s behaviors, such as regardless of whether the ex-romantic partner has behaved in ways that show the person deserves forgiveness.

Alternatively, for some divorced people, the decision to forgive becomes easier after thinking about the various health and psychological benefits of forgiveness.

Or how forgiving one’s ex-partner could potentially improve co-parenting.