How to Overcome Ambivalence in Long-Term Relationships

A certain amount of ambivalence is normal in long-term relationships. Living with someone with a different temperament, metabolism, family history, habits, and preferences means there will be certain behaviors and mannerisms you like and a few you don’t like. In functional relationships, what partners like about living with each other outweighs what they don’t like.

But many partners in long-term relationships develop powerful ambivalent feelings that are hard to resolve. When these get too strong, some “split” them into exclusive components, including love and hate. If you feel like your relationship has a Jekyll-and-Hyde quality—loving one day, hateful the next—splitting is the likely culprit.

When the good and the bad integrate, the good can outgrow the bad—that is, the good matters more. When intense feelings are split apart, the bad overshadows the good, simply because negative feelings get priority processing in the brain. Due to their more immediate survival utility, negative emotions dominate experience and recall. Negotiations devolve into power struggles, rife with devaluing attacks.

For some, splitting is an entrenched habit, activated whenever feelings get intense. The habit begins in toddlerhood. During temper tantrums, it’s not unusual for toddlers to say, “I hate you!” or “Bad mommy!” But toddlers don’t have long-term memory and so don’t carry grudges. Shortly after their temper tantrums, they’re climbing in your lap being sweet, loving, and playful.

Integration Is Not in the Past

This may sound heretical coming from a therapist, but in my 40 years of treating chronic resentment, anger, and emotional abuse, I have found family histories to be of limited help. Exploring negative childhood experiences can be detrimental, as they tend to increase self-obsession and provide excuses for hurtful behavior:

"My therapist says I have to concentrate on my own feelings. Don't shame me by saying you're hurt."

"You know what my childhood was like; don't complain if I yell and fly off the handle occasionally."

"At least I'm not as abusive as my father."

It's far more helpful to correct autopilot coping habits—what we automatically do when physically or emotionally uncomfortable. Ambivalent partners automatically blame their physical and emotional discomfort on each other and “justify” the blame with devaluing attributions:

“You’re criticizing, disrespecting, manipulating, betraying, or scaring me (because you’re deceitful, narcissistic, or abusive.)”

As long as you blame, you cannot improve. Blame chokes off compassion and inflates the negative component of ambivalent emotions. Eventually, you’ll be convinced that you hate each other. The cliché about the "thin line between love and hate" is really about love without compassion.

You Can Overcome Relationship Ambivalence

Focus on the love (wanting everyone in your family, including yourself, to be well) and regulate the negative with compassion. Focus negotiations and behavior requests on the long-term well-being of everyone in the family.

Judge your behavior by its effects, not your intention. A sure sign that you’re minimizing or not seeing the effects of your behavior is defensiveness. We defend our intentions and egos, which inevitably minimizes the effects of our behavior on loved ones.

Soften implicit judgments. These are unconscious judgments that drive the emotional tone of behavior, irrespective of conscious intentions and word choice.

Examples of judgments certain to make things worse:

I assume my partner is compulsive, reactive, controlling, selfish, irresponsible, critical, defensive, stonewalling, hateful.

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Example of softened judgments:

My partner is anxious, often hiding the guilt and shame we all try to avoid in various ways. I need to lower my intensity when negotiating and making behavior requests. I’ll reassure and encourage, rather than blame, accuse, or devalue.

Ambivalence is normal in long-term relationships, and splitting is not uncommon. But you can grow your love and regulate negativity with compassion if you so choose.