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Darla has it all. She is brainy, beautiful, sexy, and successful. At the ripe age of 33 she is worth 200 million dollars. She owns a chain of medical spas with top plastic surgeons who offer numerous beauty enhancing procedures. Darla easily makes good decisions in her spas. She chooses the right locations, the best ways to market, what personnel to hire, and what treatments to offer. In other words she is a savvy business woman. It seems, indeed, that she has it all. But does she really?
A peak into a therapy session suggests while she has it all in her professional life, but this is hardly the case in her love life.
Crossing her legs, Darla flashed a dazzling smile and said, “I love Mark and he wants to marry me, but…”
“Why the “but”? I asked
With her smile, waning she explained, “He’s handsome, educated, and interesting, but he’s too emotional and sensitive.”
I commented, “Hmm.. Give me an example.”
Looking upset, she explained.” Mark wanted to see me last night, but I was busy. He got angry, and started to whine. I told him that I was working late, but he didn’t believe me. One thing led to another and we ended up in a rip roaring fight. I told him he was acting like an emotional woman and he accused me of acting like a guy− like a player.”
I remarked, “I see, but you said you love him. What do you love about him?”
The smile returned as Darla said, “We have fun together. He’s vibrant, sophisticated, intellectually and physically stimulating. We have amazing sex together so when it’s good it’s wonderful but when it’s bad it’s terrible.”
“So his emotionality works when you get along, but it’s also his downfall when you’re at odds with each other. “ I said.
“I guess so”, she seemed quizzical.
I then said, “You told me he was sensitive, so is he sensitive to your needs?”
“He can be when we are getting along, but not when we fight. He loses his temper and screams which I hate.” Her smile turned to a frown.
I asked “Do you tell him you can’t tolerate his anger?”
She responded, “Not really. I yell back, cry, and the fight escalates. He shows no empathy.”
I interpret, “If he’s angry he can’t empathize with you. The literature says that anger blunts empathy.”
“That’s right. But it’s not like we fight all the time.” She said.
I wondered, “How long have you known Mark?”
She responded, “Maybe eight months, but I’ve known David for seven years. He’s calm and empathic. ”
“Tell me more about David.” I suggested.
She looked dreamy. “He’s tall, ruggedly handsome. I feel comfortable with him and we don’t fight.”
“Sounds good,” I said.
She quickly responded, “Not exactly. The problem is that I don’t feel stimulated by him. David is a nice guy but he’s not ambitious or driven like me” Pausing she continued, “ In a way that’s good as I don’t need a powerful dynamic man. He’s peaceful.”
“It seems that he compliments you.” I interpreted.
Darla said, “He does, but I feel bored with him.”
I interpreted, “These two men are opposite. Mark is passionate but stormy and David is calm, but not exciting.”
“Yes,” she agreed.
Do you compare them?
Tears of frustration filled her eyes. “All the time. It’s driving me crazy. I go back and forth between them. I love them both but I just can’t make up my mind. I hate my indecision.”
I inquired, “Why do you hate it?”
Looking down, she said, “I feel wish-washy and not directed.”
“It seems like you put a lot of pressure on you. Does it really have to be either one?” I asked.
Emphatically, she explained, “I hate being alone so I guess it does have to be one of them. I dated a lot of men but didn’t find the “one.” I’m done with dating. I want to settle down, get married and have a family. I’m not getting any younger.”
“So your indecision gets in the way of your goals. Perhaps we can examine your childhood to get some insight into why deciding on the right man is so difficult for you.” I suggested.
In therapy Darla told me she never knew her father. He left her mother when she was seven months pregnant with Darla. Darla recalls how her mother worked long hours, was always tired and sad. They lived with her widowed grandmother who helped raise Darla. There was no man in the house and very little money.
Trauma followed trauma. When Darla was three, her mother died suddenly of ovarian cancer. Having been abandoned twice, Darla fears getting close to any man lest they abandon her as well. Fear of abandonment underlies her indecision. By keeping two men around, she is protected from abandonment. If one leaves she still has the other.
Her indecision in her love life works to protect her from intimacy, but it is at odds with her stated goal of finding the “one”. Indeed her fear of abandonment is related to her fear of intimacy.
At a deep level Darla did not quite respect her mother who was not educated or accomplished and who chose an irresponsible, uncaring man who abandoned her mother and her. Darla spent her life trying to be different than her mother. She worked her way through school and achieved an MBA from an Ivy- league college. Unlike her mother who struggled to make ends meet, Darla is highly successful and lives a luxurious life style. By throwing herself into her business, Darla numbs her feelings of loneliness. But anesthesia wears off and she feels the pain.
We are working on her fear of intimacy and how she avoids commitment. Darla has begun to realize that her indecision is leaving her lonelier than ever. Comparing the two men she is never satisfied with either, so she is unable to love either one man in a deep meaningful way. We are making progress, but it is taking time.
Good decisions are not made out of weakness but out of strength. Once Darla feels confident she can be alone without any man she will feel stronger. As such she will not feel pressured to decide on the right man. She is trying to stay in the moment and see how she feels with each one.
In case you are wondering how she is leaning, she seems to be leaning in the direction of Mark.. He has decided to go into his own therapy to examine his childhood and how his insecurities are playing out in the relationship. Darla is also working on her role in their fights, her fear of commitment, and her fear of abandonment. As for David, she no longer sees him as a potential romantic partner but as a friend.
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