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There is a uniquely human drive to create value, to regard persons, groups, ideas and objects as worthy of interest, appreciation, time, energy, effort, and, if necessary, sacrifice. The creation and experience of value gives life meaning and purpose.
I call the ability to create and experience value, core value. When in touch with core value, life is vibrant and enriched. When not in touch with it, life is filled with pain or boredom.
The experience of value gives a heightened sense of wellbeing and vitality — you feel more alive looking at a beautiful sunset, feeling connected to a loved one, feeling genuine compassion for another person, having a spiritual experience, appreciating something creative, or feeling committed to a cause. Creating value increases our capacity to learn, appreciate, grow, and improve. The more value we create, the more meaningful life becomes. When we're true to the deepest values we create, we feel authentic. We feel guilt and shameful when we violate them. Life seems meaninglessness when we lose touch with them.
We never lose the ability to create value, but we often lose touch with it, especially when we’re hurt, bored, or distracted. The first step in getting in touch with core value is to decide:
What is the most important thing about me as a person?
This is a difficult question to answer, in part because there are a lot of important things about you. For example, most people initially reply to the question with something like, “I’m honest, loyal, a hard worker,” and so on. These are important qualities, to be sure, but they tend to be of equal value, and core value is more important than anything else.
There are various methods of deciding the most important thing about you, but this may be the quickest way. Imagine that you have grown children. How would you want them to feel about you?
Choice A: "Mom and Dad were honest, loyal and hard-working (fill-in whatever initially seems to be the most important thing about you). I'm not sure they really cared about us, but they were always honest and hard-working, etc."
Choice B: "Mom and Dad were human and made mistakes, but they always cared about us and wanted what was best for us."
For most folks, their love, compassion, and kindness for the people they love is the most important thing about them. We know from research that the profoundest regret near the end of life is not having been more loving, compassionate, and kind to loved ones. (If someone close to you has died, you got a glimpse of that kind of regret. Grievers naturally wonder, even when their relationships to loved ones were close, “Did they know how much I loved them? Did I let them know how important they were to me? Did I do enough to help?") On your death bed you won't fret about whether your spouse and children thought you were right. You'll desperately hope that they knew how much you cared about them.
The rewards for staying true to your deepest values are great: Authenticity, conviction, long-term wellbeing. And the reminders for violating them are terrible: guilt, shame, anxiety, regret, feeling inadequate, or unlovable. (Unfortunately, vulnerable feelings are almost always defended with resentment and anger.)
Here is the first (of many) routes to core value: When resentful, angry, anxious, depressed, or obsessed, make sure you're being true to the most important thing about you as a person.
The Secret of Happiness: Value More than You Devalue
If you devalue more than you value, your life will seem bad and sometimes unreal, even if a lot of good things happen to you. If you value more than you devalue, your life will seem good and authentic, even if a lot of bad things happen. At the end of the day, the only reliable method of sustaining a sense of authenticity is through the creation of value and consistent fidelity to the deepest values you create.
