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Key points
- Viewing dating as a binary game distances you from being your full, true self.
- Reframing dates as play dates shifts the focus to having an authentic encounter and having fun.
- Play dates are, in fact, a sandbox for raising differentiation—opportunities for personal development.
- By bringing your full self, you'll have a quicker sense of whether the person is a long-term fit.
Co-authored by Galit Romanelli.
Dating is not easy. Modern dating apps make dating more technical, digital, and industrialized. Therefore, this Valentine's Day, we’d like to offer a new prism on dating.
You want to be a player?
Singles dream of finding their everlasting soulmate, which is not an easy task. Add to the mix exhaustion from bad dates, previous disappointments, and general anxiety and you’ll get an overall negative association with dating.
Dating has become a game where the goal is to get another date. In this process we lose the play. Game is a binary activity (win/lose) with set rules (what’s allowed and what’s not) with a specific goal in mind. On the other hand, play is a soft perception of reality. Play is a way of being open, vulnerable, and authentic. In fact, play is the lubricant that helps deepen our relationships.
Therefore, our first reframe is moving away from the game of dating, toward play dates. When we were kids, the goal of the play dates was simple: to be yourself, have fun, and play together.
When you get swept up in the game of dating, you’ll self-present, trying to exhibit the prettiest, most sensitive, intelligent version of yourself. But too much presenting on dates furthers both parties from exposing the true selves. So when should you bring your full self? In play dates.
Here are our top ten tips for play dates, categorized before, during and after the play date.
Before the Play Date
1. Educate yourself.
Men, stop watching porn. It warps your perception of women, intimacy, sex, and relationships. Instead, read relationship books. Women, read empowering books that will strengthen your body-mind-feminine connection and help you feel good and confident in yourself. Explore your own sexuality so you won't have to be dependent on someone else to help you discover what makes you feel good.
2. Adopt play as a daily practice.
Flirting is playful sexuality. If you’re not a playful person, it will be hard for you to suddenly be playful on a first date. Try being more playful in your day to day interactions so it will be more natural for you on your play dates. Read here about how to become more playful.
3. Own your shadow.
We all have shadows and shortcomings. Start befriending, owning, and communicating your dark sides before going on dates. Why? because all your parts are precious, even the ones you're embarrassed of. Owning your shadow is the key to your growth. By owning these parts, you’ll acquire a sense of freedom and comfort in your own skin. If your fears come true, and the dates are turned off by your shortcomings, then better know now than finding out later whether the person can match your quirky sides, too.
4. Reframe dates.
Choosing to see a date as a play date shifts the goal from meeting your eternal soulmate to simply enjoying and bringing yourself in the moment. Play dates are essentially a sandbox to practice differentiation (your ability to be yourself and in intimacy). Make it a fun conversation that goes beyond credentials, into dreams, thoughts, experiences, and more.
5. Move before your date
Before the day, move your body. Get endorphins going. Your body is always in the present and your intuition is connected to your body, so have it warmed up. Any type of activity that gets you loose and out of your head and into your body is a plus.
6. Come hungry.
Yes, this might seem counterintuitive. Our relationship with food holds a lot of insights: love, care, nurturing; all that is intertwined with food. Don’t withhold that information from yourself on your date. You want the play date to be a visceral, sensual experience. You want to be nourished together. You want to eat together and feel full and satisfied together—or, at the very least, test out the waters. Eating is vulnerable, which is good because vulnerability is the crucial ability in relationships. Eating is part of any relationship, so come hungry.
During the Play Date
7. Be yourself and “say the thing.”
Communicate openly, practice self-exposure, and “broadcast live”. Share what you're feeling, good and bad. Be silly. Don't take yourself too seriously. Speak your mind. When couples “say the thing” the date becomes more vital, open, spontaneous and exciting. It also strengthens honesty and collaboration, which will help you both be more yourselves.
8. End the date honestly.
Don’t be cryptic. If you know it’s a no, then tell them. If it’s a yes, then be honest and say you enjoyed it and that you want to meet again. If you’re not sure, then tell them the truth: that you need some time to digest this date, just like the burger you just ate.
After the Play Date
9. Don’t play games.
Don’t wait to see if and when they text. Be proactive and be the hero of your life. Skip the ego games. By being honest and vulnerable, you’re modeling what you expect in your relationship. Your date’s reaction will be a good indication whether they are differentiated enough for you.
10. Give it another chance.
If you used our tips and brought yourself honestly to the date, your body should know. And unless your body is saying a hard no, give it another chance. The older we get, the more scared and set in our ways we may become, making it easy to lean to no. Trying new things and being open is uncomfortable, but that’s where growth is. Another date means another chance to bring yourself openly and to play again.
So, which tip is the easiest for you? The hardest?
We wish you good luck on your future play dates on your way to relational freedom with a loving partner.
Galit Romanelli is a certified life coach, Ph.D. candidate in gender studies, and co-director (together with Assael) of The Potential State, helping couples remarry each other.
