Three Ways to Make More Love With Your Partner

Source: Photo by Galit Romanelli

A year after his affair, Shai shares in our clinic that he wants more sex from his wife, Maya. At first, she gets defensive but then shares that she’d rather spend the evening playing theater games she’s learned in the drama class she’s taking. As we go deeper, Shai becomes more vulnerable and confesses that what he really wants, more than sex, is for Maya to open up, share, joke. and challenge him. He looks down and shares that he wants her to see him, feel him, and be curious about him.

What we actually witnessed through this interaction was an unraveling of this couple’s desire for more lovemaking. But not in the traditional, narrow sense of sex. What they’re talking about is the trilateral lovemaking paradigm: physical (sexual), mental, and emotional lovemaking.

The three lovemaking experiences strengthen the three relationships within your marriage: lovers (sex), friends (intimacy and friendship) and partners (household and child rearing). All three are needed for a healthy, vibrant, and intimate relationship.

Physical lovemaking (AKA sex)

This is the obvious type most people focus on. This is what Shai, like many men, believe is the main avenue for connection and intimacy. This is the lovemaking of the lovers dimension. Much has been written on improving sexual lovemaking. We’ll just remind you that mediocre sex is great. But if we take a macro view on sex, there's a high probability that with age, changes in health, hormones, and lifestyle, your sex drive will change. And since you may have different desires, needs, and rhythms as you go through these changes, wouldn’t it be great if you had more than just one avenue for intimacy? Expanding lovemaking to two additional realms will allow couples to passionately continue to make love, even at 120 years of age!

Mental lovemaking (AKA mind-mating)

We’ve all seen that old couple sitting on the bench., talking, laughing, and asking questions. What they are enjoying is mind procreation.

This is where there is a meeting of the minds: A rich dance of intellectual, philosophical, and spiritual brainstorming. Mental Lovemaking is when couples stretch, challenge, and enrich each other. This is where partners procreate to create new, synergistic ideas or concepts. Mental lovemaking keeps partners curious, creative, interested, and interesting—which is sexy, desirable, and exciting. Our brain loves novelty, so these interactions become a hotbed for intellectual stimulation. Mind mating also deepens friendship and aids in improving collaboration. In a previous article we’ve outlined our recipe for generative mind lovemaking.

Emotional lovemaking (AKA hearting)

Shai wanted more. He wanted to feel more, both within himself and with Maya. Emotional lovemaking is when both partners dare to undress emotionally and be vulnerable by sharing their feelings and their internal worlds. Emotional undressing requires partners to dare to "say the thing" and “broadcast live.”

For hearting to be meaningful, you have to share your feelings, even if your partner hasn’t yet (also called self-validated intimacy). We call it Into-me-see, and it is outlined here. When couples are vulnerable, honest, and raw, they create a synergistic and exciting encounter which revitalizes the dyad. Hearting solidifies lovers, friends, and partners, as it brings partners closer, makes them more empathic and energized.

Soul synergy

In the clinic we’ve noticed that most couples want more emotional and intellectual stimulation. We discovered that when heart and mind engage, the result is soul synergy, a deep relational resonance that is healing, vulnerable, and intimate. Soul synergy allows for short, transcendental visits to the sublime.

Want more relations?

The best way to improve all three types of lovemaking is... to have an honest talk. It might make you both a bit uncomfortable, but it will pay off in the long run. Here's how to do it:

Take a moment and rate from 1 to 9 how well you two fare in each type of lovemaking. Don't round up or down, just be honest with yourself.

Ask your partner to do the same.

Choose a quiet time in which both of you are open, patient, and loving, and start an honest conversation about the trilateral lovemaking status of your relationship. Remind yourself and each other that you’re having the conversation because you two want to have more love in your relationship.

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5 Ways to Quit the Habit of "Kitchen Sinking" Your Partner

Compare your scores. Celebrate the ones at which you are doing great, and get curious about the low scores, which, in fact, indicate that you want more of each other. Remember that gaps in the scores are natural and normal.

Use the conversation to focus on which type of lovemaking is most desired by each partner currently, as needs are constantly changing.

Remember that making love is the synergy of all three types of connecting.

Co-authored with Galit Romanelli, M.A. Galit Romanelli is a certified life coach, Ph.D. candidate in gender studies, and codirector (together with Assael) of The Potential State, helping couples remarry each other.