Why Some People Don't Apologize

Much has been made of Donald Trump's unwillingness or incapacity to apologize in a heartfelt way. And by the way, some would say that Hillary Clinton's apologies don't feel particularly heartfelt either.

I'm sure you all know of such people in your personal lives and your companies.

What's going on with such people?

Consider the following:

If a person truly never intends to hurt anyone, but is focused on winning at something (or maybe even fulfilling a sexual impulse) in any way they can that is not illegal, and someone is hurt by that person's actions, does the first person owe that someone an apology? My belief is that they are owed a heartfelt apology. That means that their needs to be compassion in that apology.

The problem that many goal obsessed people have is that they are able to express regress and say they're sorry in a hollow way, but they are unable to express remorse. That is because goal driven and ambitious people are often psychologically and emotionally unable to feel remorse. Regret means you are sorry for how something turned out; remorse means you genuinely, deeply and in an ambition halting moment feel pain for the the pain you may have caused, contributed to or led to through collateral damage.

To address those people who can express regret, but not feel remorse, here is why others need a heartfelt, compassion and remorse filled apology.

People who have been hurt, injured, betrayed or traumatized by you, believe that unless you can actually feel the pain you have caused and inflicted upon them (intentionally or unintentionally), they have little trust or confidence that you won't do it again.

Such people are correct. Why is that?

It's because—alluding to what was said above—if your intention was not to hurt or injure or traumatize but to win in any way you could, you believe that if people get hurt, it's not your fault.

In essence, if people are hurt by you when you don't intend to hurt them and you are just doing whatever you need to win, then their feeling hurt is because they're oversensitive and not that you are being hurtful.

Sometimes, the best way for a "dyed in the wool" ambitious person to feel the hurt and trauma of others is to experience it themselves.