____________________________________________________________________________________

I work in a beautiful suburb north of Manhattan, and in this child friendly place of great schools and involved parents, we have just witnessed a horrifying tragedy. According to news reports, an upper middle class neighborhood family was in the midst of a difficult divorce. Like many in their position, they lived in the same house, she an Ivy graduate, and he, a respected local attorney. Now this couple and their two children are gone, apparently at the hand of their father. This husband and father allegedly bludgeoned his wife, shot his children and then committed suicide.

Horror is a word that fails to describe the nature of this event. Murder-Suicide fails as well. Familcide seems like an awkward word that has little to do with so much darkness. And, while I am in no position to talk about this family and that terrible day, I am nevertheless confounded and compelled to write about malignant divorces—because I have seen too many. These are cases in which love turns into a hate so deep that human beings do terrible things that seem inconceivable. Thank goodness that murder is uncommon, but corrupted malignant behavior is not. Malignant divorces are more common than we would all like to think and they take many forms.

Like a cancer, malignant divorces have a variety of outcomes. Some can be successfully dealt with; some can be managed and some are truly dangerous. In our town of Cross River, New York, four lives ended in the context of such a divorce. Of course, our community is not unique; such horrors can (and do) happen anywhere.

This is the first of a number of Psychology Today posts that will be devoted to the problems of being embroiled in a malignant divorce. In due time, this material will be developed in the last book of The Intelligent Divorce series, Dealing With Your (Impossible) Ex.  What do I mean by impossible? Some people respond to the stress of divorce by undermining everyone around them. Some do it consciously, knowing full well that they just want to win at all costs. Think of the father who hides income and creates "evidence" that his ex wife is incompetent, all so he can pay less support and short change her.

Some malignant behaviors are unconscious, like the mother who takes on the victim role so completely that she "needs" to convince her children to reject their dad. Sometimes these cases can be truly frightening, because if your ex is out of touch with reality, he or she may have decided that you are dangerous when you're not (it doesn't take much to imagine the possible consequences).

So, if you are involved in a case like this, whether you fear for your safety or you sense that you are being set up, you must get professional help. In a malignant situation, your ex spouse will want to win at all costs and your sense of fair play will be used against you. Maintaining good limits, staying safe and not becoming manipulative yourself, is no small task. Your children will need you as a strong, centered parent with what they are going through.

So, what can be done?           

Here is a brief overview. In future posts, we will develop these points more fully.

1.     You are dealing with an ex spouse who just wants to win. If you are the healthier spouse, then you are trapped in a surreal life, largely not of your own making. It may not be fair, but it's time that you deal with it. Laying back and hoping it will all go away is probably a poor strategy.

2.     What you do have control over is your sanity, and the innocent ears of your children. Therapy is really a must.  You will have to grieve the loss of your marriage and much of what you hold dear, including that the world is fair. You can't short circuit grief, but you cannot let it disable you from acting intelligently. Also, all your outrage and fear must be mobilized productively, in the best interests of you and your children.