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Simply put, having a strong sense of identity helps a person to be more consistent in honoring his or her values and beliefs. So if a person has a value of honoring the golden rule, having a strong sense of identity that ties into the value of the golden rule will lead to the likelihood that the person will practice the golden rule more times than not. However, people with an undeveloped sense of identity are more likely to be inconsistent in following through on any values they claim to espouse.
As a psychotherapist, I have come to recognize a pattern with my teenage clients who were adopted by their parents. While most teenagers go through a period of crisis, highlighted by identity formation; for adopted teenagers, the process presents with significantly higher complications. During the middle to the latter stages of adolescence, teenagers will typically go through a process of questioning and criticizing everything they have being taught and know, as they embark on the process of finding their sense of identity. For adopted teens this process can be two fold, as they already have two sets of identities- that of the family they have been raised in, and that of their birth family. What usually further complicates an already complicated process, is if there is little to no information about the teenager's birth parents and family.
These feelings are common with adopted teenagers and short of being supportive, there is nothing a parent can do to prevent their teenager from experiencing negative feelings from dealing with the these issues. However there is plenty a parent can do to make these issues worse for their adopted adolescents. There are two golden rules to parenting a child, biological or adopted, and I have noticed that parents who are more consistent with adhering to these rules, on average have children with a healthier sense of identities. These two rules are unconditional acceptance of self and unconditional acceptance of your child.
Unconditional acceptance of self - Most people who seek to adopt, do so based on an inability to conceive a child. In some cases, this leads to a case of low self worth. As some people in this predicament, find themselves feeling somewhat inadequate, due to their inability to become biological parents. Parents who find themselves in this position should seek counseling with the goal of coming to terms with their reality. While people in this predicament shouldn't feel bad, it is understandable, since most of us hail from cultures that place a huge emphasis on biological relationships. If you are a person who desires to become a parent, and you find yourself in this predicament, it is in your best interest and that of your soon to be child to mature past this style of thinking, as maturation puts you in the best position to address extended family members who have issues with you adopting.
I remember a story on Nancy Grace's show, I watched about two years ago -maybe less. A mother was mysteriously missing and believed to be deceased by the local authorities, and she had left behind a toddler son whom she had adopted at birth. The host, Nancy Grace was horrified that no relatives of the woman had stepped forward to claim and take custody of the child. During the show a male relative called in, to defend why no family members where claiming the child. His defense? The child was not his blood relative. Of course this led to heated exchange between the host and the caller.
While a parent has no control over the thoughts and feelings of other extended relatives, it is important that parents be cognizant of subtle messages they pick up from relatives in regards of their feelings towards the new member of the family. I have heard stories of where a parent would attempt to create plenty of opportunities for a resistant grandparent to spend time with their child, in the hopes that their thoughts and feelings would change. Regardless of whether such a grandparent experiences a change of attitude, the process can be quite lengthy and become a case of reoccurring emotional trauma for the child. Family is important, biological relationships are overrated, it is important that parents not be shy about setting boundaries with relatives who they perceive as being resistant to accepting their children and spending more time with those who present with open hearts. However, for a parent to get to this stage there needs to be the process of coming to accept oneself unconditionally. In the words of Seth Godin - "Emotional maturity is underrated."
Unconditional acceptance of your child- Most adopted teenagers, experience mixed feelings of gratitude and guilt as being part of their parents' lives. These feelings only get more complicated as issues of loss and possible low self worth are factored into why the teenager's birth parents were not capable of raising the adolescent. Parents with a genuine sense of unconditional acceptance of themselves and their child, do a great job in helping to create an atmosphere of trust and support in the household, by helping their teenager reaffirm their sense of identity in the household, while also reaffirming their biological sense of identities as well. Parents can help support this process by providing as much information as they possibly can about the teenager's birth parents, family and or ethnicity.
Most adopted teenagers with an undeveloped sense of identity develop co dependency issues, were they present with an unhealthy zeal to please others, and not being cognizant of their true thoughts and feelings on any issue. In more severe cases an undeveloped sense of identity can lead to attitudes and beliefs indicative of a sociopath. While adopted teenagers with a healthy sense of identity tend to be more conscientious driven in their attitudes and behaviors.
At the end of the day, parents who have adopted need to pay special attention to the identity formation of their children, be it with the attitudes and beliefs of extended relatives or the attitudes or beliefs of the community. After all, it takes a village to raise a child.
