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“At the first level, compassion is simulated. This is the initial stage, when you need to practice certain contemplations in order to generate compassion. As a result of this practice you reach the second level, at which compassion becomes natural and spontaneous.”
His Holiness the Dalai Lama
Just as we begin again with our practice in life, our blog is beginning again in the Autumn of 2013, as Compassion Focused Therapy takes root in America. The Compassionate Mind Foundation USA (http://www.compassionfocusedtherapy.com) is beginning to organize more trainings here, and we are very excited to make more of this material available to the public all the time. We are, after all, in this compassionate journey together!
The quote above reminds me that we don’t need to begin our compassionate journey with expert, easy access to a compassionate mind. If we are to develop our bodies through exercise after years of inactivity, we begin with small actions and we can feel the soreness and tiredness of our first steps. Cultivating compassion is no different. Whatever we learn, our journey begins with a “beginner’s mind.” If we have wisdom available, we see that there is a lot that we don’t yet know. Our learning proceeds gradually.
When we set out to develop compassion for others, and for ourselves, we begin where we are. We establish an aim to accept who we are, as much as we can, in this very moment. For many of us, experiences of neglect or trauma, or other painful memories have blended our experience of warm, caring emotions with anxiety and dread.
Funnily enough, the most famous participant in all Western psychology research is probably not a human being at all, but “man’s best friend” – Pavlov’s clever dog. Just as Pavlov's dog learned to associate the ringing of a bell with the arrival of food, many people have learned to associate loving kindness and close relationships with the arrival of punishment or rejection. After many experiences of harsh treatment at the hands of friends, family or significant others throughout their lives, we can come to associate closeness or support with a pending threat. This can lead to some difficult feelings, and it certainly can lead to resistance to compassion.
When we notice “resistance” to compassion - in others or even in ourselves - we are watching a natural process of responding to expectations of threat. We can remember that It is not our fault that we experience such resistance, it is the natural way we learn. From this place, we also can remember that there is a path forward. For those of us who wish to cultivate compassion, we can remember that compassion becomes increasingly available to us as we become available to it.
When we begin compassionate mind training, it isn’t important to have access to an abundance of compassion. The journey doesn’t begin at the end. When we practice compassion gradually, we begin learning the way a method actor might learn to experience their process. We don't need to have all the answers. In a sense, this is getting in touch with the "actor" within us. Our own curiosity, mindful awareness, and imagination can help us to imagine what it would be like to be more compassionate. We can ask ourselves, "What images and sensations might stimulate my feelings of compassion, no matter how small?" We can then draw upon imagery that evokes compassionate feelings. We can use our tone of voice, or a grounded and dignified posture to stimulate feelings of groundedness. Even our facial expressions and the slow rhythm of our breath can evoke compassion. Our memories of compassionate experiences can be useful to bring our compassionate mind forward. Just as millions of fellow travelers in recovery learn “fake it until you make it,” compassionate mind training begins with simulation, as the Dalai Lama points out. We can ask ourselves, “What would it feel like if I was experiencing compassion in this moment?” without concern for how “real” that compassion may be. The Dalai Lama suggests that in time, these seeds of compassion will grow to spontaneous, flowing compassion.
The following exercise is an example of using memory and imagery to stimulate different emotions, and different parts of ourselves, including compassion. This practice is often used in Compassion Focused Therapy training workshops and therapy sessions to gently introduce the idea that we can guide our mind to different emotional experiences. Like so many of the practices, this is one, gentle step towards living in the presence of warmth, support and loving kindness. All that is required to begin is a willingness to take that next step – one step at a time.
Practice: The Many Selves and The Compassionate Self
In a sense, there are many different parts of who we are: our angry self, our anxious self, our joyful self. When we experience different emotions and memories, our behavior, thoughts and everything that we do, can become organized by that emotional experience, in that very moment. In order to better understand the various parts of personalities, and the way they affect our behavior, it may be helpful to separate these various aspects and look at them individually.
Collect and gather your attention, using a soothing rhythm of breathing, or any of the many mindfulness-based practices throughout the mindfulness and compassion traditions. A good beginning practice for this is the Soothing Rhythm Breathing audio exercise, that can be found at http://www.mindfulcompassion.com.
Practice stilling and centering for a few minutes. After your attention has gathered and you feel more centered and present, imagine a mildly distressing situation from the recent past. This need not be too provocative, maybe a 2 or 3 out of 10. For example, you could imagine having a small argument or conflict with somebody close to you.
What does the angry side of your personality think about this situation? How does it feel in your body when you respond to feeling criticized or attacked? What behavioral urges arrive arise in this angry part of yourself? And if this angry part of your personality was allowed to seize seized control of things, what would it do?
Guide your attention back to the flow of your breath and with your natural exhale let go of this image of the angry self. Now, focus on your anxious self and how it might deal with the same argument. What does the anxious part of you think? What are your physical sensations? What would this anxious part of your personality do if it seized control of your behavior?
Now, bring your attention back to the flow of your breath and focus on the interaction between your angry self and your anxious self. Do they like one another? Does your angry self approve of what your anxious self and how it behaves? What does your anxious self think about your angry self? Is it frightened of it? Does the anxious part feel protected by your angry self? And does the angry part feel threatened or stifled by the anxious self?
Bring your attention back to the flow of your breath and let go of this image of these two parts of your personality. All these different parts are really just the way we deal with events as they unfold. Often, these different parts can be in conflict with one another, and make us feel in conflict with ourselves. When we activate and connect with our compassionate self, things can be different.
In this moment, rather than focusing on the anxious or angry aspect of your personality, let’s focus on the wise, calm, authoritative and compassionate part. Pause and rest in the flow of your breath, and spend a few moments focusing on this part of you. See yourself from the outside with a gentle smile on your face, and see other people appreciating you. Remember the qualities of wisdom, strength and commitment to your well being that define your compassionate self. Use your memory to contact feelings of warmth, kindness and supportiveness. Once you have got the sense of this aspect of yourself, imagine this compassionate self dealing with that initial argument. What are your thoughts about the argument now? How does that calm, wise, and compassionate self feel? What is this compassionate self doing when it takes control of your behavior? How would this be different to the way your angry or anxious self behaves? Now, bring your attention back to the flow of your breath, exhale and let go of this image.
Observations:
After the practice, jot down some of the observations you made, and reflect on them. When different emotions flow through us they affect the way we feel about ourselves by affecting our thoughts, words, and deeds. This exercise aims to give you a glimpse of what happens when we deliberately and willingly focus our attention towards the part of ourselves that can be wise, patient, strong and committed. No matter what we have been through and no matter how hidden it may seem, this part of ourselves is present, silently waiting for our invitation. Our compassionate self becomes available to us, as we become available to it.
Warm Wishes,
DT
(adapted from Dennis Tirch, The Compassionate-Mind Guide to Overcoming Anxiety, 2012; from an original CFT exercise developed by Dr. Paul Gilbert )
