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Raising Children to Become Responsible Adults
As a parent you can either endow your children with a sense of entitlement, or impart to them a sense of responsibility. If you set appropriate limits, establish age-appropriate consequences for misbehavior, assign chores and make sure they're done in a timely manner, you'll be raising children whom you can expect to become independent, fully functioning, and trustworthy adults--adults willing and capable of taking care of themselves and others.
Otherwise, as Emily Battaglia puts it, you'll be "‘spoiling' your children's future." If you must spoil them, this same writer adds, don't spoil them with things, but with "hugs, kisses and ‘I love you's.'" In the end, the best way to demonstrate love for your children (again, in her own words) is "by raising them to be competent, self-reliant and humble human beings."
By now, many writers have suggested how to avoid bringing up children with a sense of entitlement. Chesley Maldonado points out the usefulness of teaching kids that others don't owe them anything; that, in general, goals can be attained only through hard work and perseverance; and that life is full of inconveniences (i.e., that instant gratification is hardly a right--or, for that matter, to be expected). Additionally, children need to learn to be grateful for what they have, as well as not to assume that simply "showing up" warrants their getting special benefits and rewards. For it's only in fully applying themselves to life's challenges that they will be able to replace an unearned sense of entitlement with a far more satisfying sense of accomplishment.
Jean M. Twenge and W. Keith Campbell, in their seminal work The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement (2009), emphasize how injurious it is to our society for parents and teachers to indiscriminately teach children how exceptional and wonderful they are (not to mention advertisers, who literally spew forth endless messages of entitlement to increase demand for their products). Rather, these authors argue, adults should use their authority to focus on such things as training children to be more empathic, and more grateful; to help them better understand their similarities to (not their differences from) other children; to guide them into forming nurturing, mutually rewarding, relationships; and to acknowledge them not for their "uniqueness" as such (which can so easily engender an unhealthy narcissism) but for putting real effort into what they do, particularly their school work.
To reduce this "specialness" message to its ultimate absurdity, consider that if we're all unique, then (paradoxically) we're all very much the same--a more accurate presentation of the facts which, if truly grasped, would foster a much greater sense of community, rather than the selfish individualism inadvertently promoted by the "you're unique" message so prevalent today.
Inasmuch as a child's first "community" is their family, it's worth citing a piece by Janet Nusbaum, who discusses parents' handling of household chores with their children as it influences the child's growth. To Nusbaum, paying children to do things around the house--either as an incentive or "bribe"--can distort not only children's basic beliefs about themselves, but also their place in the world. Routinely compensating them materially whenever they're contributing to their own household has all sorts of negative ramifications as relates to actually "teaching" a sense of entitlement.
For attaching a concrete reward to their helping out undercuts their learning about family dynamics, teamwork, and important life skills. Instead, it gives them the message that simply cooperating and accepting responsibility are things that should routinely be paid for. It's hardly any wonder then if they balk when asked to do something that doesn't carry a monetary reward.
To Nusbaum, parents need to teach children that doing their chores will later on help them to become self-sufficient, caring individuals. Moreover, children need to know that performing chores is "necessary, expected and appreciated [my emphasis]"; and that these messages (far healthier than those promoting a sense of entitlement) will help them develop a sense of being part of, and contributing to, something larger than themselves.
It's not nature but nurture--nurture that's excessive or misguided (in a word, "wrong-headed")--that's responsible for children's sense of entitlement. This false entitlement may enable them to get more of what that want (or at least think they want) from parents who are heedlessly over-indulgent. But in the long run it serves them poorly. And many writers, at the same time they propose solutions for what I'll call "the entitled child syndrome," detail how giving in to children is hurtful to them.
To offer just a couple of examples, Harvey Karp, MD, suggests that parents who regularly defer to their children create kids who are "demanding, self-centered, and unreasonable." Beyond this, as he describes it, such accommodating behavior "ultimately makes them feel isolated and confused. There is a seed of discontent that you sow when you allow a child to be spoiled." Because the child has been so manipulative in getting what they want, they really can't tell when someone is giving to them genuinely.
Michael Osit, PhD, details the problems of parents' failing to construct clear rules for their kids, noting that "without [them] the world becomes a scary and unsafe place. If [parents] establish and maintain limits, [their] children will be less likely to ask for things excessively and more likely to have self-discipline, positive self-esteem, a good work ethic and respect for authority and themselves." And it's certainly easy enough to appreciate the tension, discomfort, and insecurity children must feel not knowing what's permissible in their family--or, frankly, what they can (and can't) get away with.
Note: Here are links to Parts 1, 2, 3, & 5 of this multi-part post.
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