Collective or Codependent?

When you do a simple google search of the word codependency, you’re immediately hit with words like toxic, relationship addiction, and dependency on others. It’s no wonder codependency is so stigmatized in a country that prides itself on individualism like America.

Nonetheless, just because this is the dominant ideology in the west doesn’t mean it’s the only way to live. For many immigrant communities and Eastern cultures, they don’t view themselves as codependent—they see themselves as collective. They harbor more of a one-for-all and all-for-one mentality that, from a Western perspective, can be misconstrued as codependent.

So, where do you draw the line?

Codependent relationships are when individuals prioritize others’ needs ahead of their own, creating a sense of need and urgency. Collectivism refers to a society where social and individual ties are strong, with people being part of strong, cohesive groups. At the same time, individualism entails looser ties between individuals, so independence is stressed.

Collective societies are more likely to foster enmeshed family dynamics where the needs of the family overpower the needs of the individual. This often enables the individual to sacrifice their own needs and desires for the good of the family. A Westerner might see this as toxic. However, to someone from a collective culture, this may be regarded as a duty as a member of the family.

But what happens when your needs and your family’s needs don’t align?

Immigrants face a unique challenge called acculturative stress. This occurs when immigrant children neither correspond to levels of parental acculturation nor conform to parental guidance, leading to role reversal and intensified parent-child conflict. For many Americans, differentiating from the family and forging one’s own path is common and even encouraged.

However, this is not always the case for immigrant families, where family is the tie to their culture and, for many, the reason why they left their home countries. Frequently immigrant families become more enmeshed and dependent on each other because they are all they have in this new country compared to their lives back home when they had multiple social and natural supports. For them, codependency is a means of survival.

Tight vs. Loose Cultures

In an episode of the podcast Freakonomics, ​​, "The U.S. Is Just Different — So Let’s Stop Pretending We’re Not," the hosts examined the differences between tight vs. loose cultures.

“All cultures have social norms, these unwritten rules that guide our behavior daily. But some cultures strictly abide by their norms. They’re what we call tight cultures. And other cultures are more loose. They’re more permissive.”

They explained that loose cultures, like America, Ukraine, and Brazil are like atoms in a gas, whereas tight cultures, like Korea, India, and Pakistan, are like atoms in a solid. Asian countries fall into the tight culture category. If the atom changes, the solid doesn’t exist anymore for these cultures.

Therefore, it is necessary to be cognizant of these cultural differences to provide culturally competent therapy and understanding. Boundaries for tight culture families will look different from boundaries for loose culture families. What might be regarded as a crossing of boundaries may feel like just looking out for each other for the other party.

Healthy Boundaries Look Different for Everyone

As the number of immigrants and the diversity of America continues to increase–clashes of tight and loose cultures are inevitable, especially between parents and children. However, boundaries can also change.

Immigrant children can identify boundaries that work for both themselves and their families by identifying the individual and collective needs of the family and adjusting their expectations based on this newfound self-awareness, knowledge, and acceptance.