Talking to Your Children About Sex

Source: LightField Studios / Shutterstsock

A few months ago one mom in our parenting group brought up the fact that her son had asked if all girls have to have babies.

And then another mother told the story of her daughter asking how gay men have sex—while sitting at a holiday dinner with all the relatives.

So, we talked about when and how to talk to kids about sex.

As it turned out, the little girl who asked about how gay men have sex was sitting across the table from her uncle and his male partner.

This could have been awkward.

But, interestingly, it wasn’t.

The mom in question answered her daughter’s question, and the uncles confirmed the answer.

This kind of openness is not possible in all families, but it was in this one because both the mom and the uncles consider themselves sex-positive and are fine talking about sex.

In some families, maybe even most families, there can be awkwardness. Some parents avoid the discussion. Some let schools provide the forum. Some get books and use them to lead the discussion.

The mother whose son asked if all girls have to have babies was also able to answer her son's question without feeling awkward, but she said that this was something she had to learn how to do on her own. She said that growing up, her own parents had not been comfortable with this kind of conversation. They were immigrants, newly arrived in this country when she was at an age to ask about the subject, and she said that the talk they had with her was extremely short. A pamphlet was involved.

The thing is, there really is no one right way to talk with your children about sex. But it is important to do it.

Let’s break this down to make it easier.

First of all, the idea that there should be one "talk" about sex is old-fashioned.

Parents need to be ready to answer any questions their children have, at whatever age they ask them, and willing to do so over and over again whenever the subject comes up.

Second, if one of your goals is to help your children not feel embarrassed or awkward about the subject, you might want to consider how you will approach the questions before they are asked so you have an idea of how you will answer.

You may want to look at some books aimed at children your children’s ages—before your children (or you) need them.

You may want to talk with your partner about what approach you both want to take when talking about sex with your children.

And you may want to reflect on your own feelings about talking about sex, sexuality, and bodies before you talk with your children.

If you feel embarrassed or awkward, maybe you can reflect on why this might be and think about what might make you feel less embarrassed or awkward.

But remember, the first time your child asks about their own anatomy or yours, the first time they ask about sex or about having babies, you do not have to make it into a big deal. Again, you do not have to have what used to be called “the talk.”

Just answer the question at hand.

There can be many discussions about bodies, sex, and sexuality over the course of your children’s childhoods and teen years.

If using a book is helpful to you in talking to your children and if this will make you feel more confident about the discussion, I have some suggestions (below).

But also remember:

• Your child will ask about their body, other people’s bodies, and sex when they are ready to know. Usually, you do not have to initiate the discussion.
• But the first questions usually come early. Two and three-year-olds want to know about bodies. Children are observant and curious at this age. And at this point, they are not usually asking about sex. They just want to know why you look one way and why they look another. They may want to know why you have breasts, and they do not. Or why daddy’s penis is bigger than theirs. Reassuring answers such as “We all have something, boys (or people assigned as male at birth if you prefer) have a penis, and girls (or people assigned as female at birth) have a vulva and a vagina.” And for the questions about size, you can say, “You will have a big penis like daddy’s when you grow up” (for people assigned male at birth) or "You will have breasts like mommy's when you get to be a teenager."
• As the questions pop up, just answer the specific questions your child is asking. Don’t feel pressure to say more until they ask further questions.
• Make your answers appropriate to your child’s age and in accordance with your family's culture. For little kids, a simple, factual answer is best. For older kids, you can add more detail.
• Use the correct names for the various body parts.
• As children get older, don’t be afraid to talk to them about feelings as well. If they are talking about liking someone, you can ask what this feels like. You can help your child to distinguish between liking someone as a friend, liking someone for romantic reasons and liking someone because they are attracted to them.
• Once your child gets to be 10 or 11, you will probably have had numerous conversations about bodies, sex, and sexuality. But if they haven’t asked, or if, for one reason or another, you have not explained very much to them, make sure your child, no matter their gender, knows about what happens with bodies as they mature. In this case, you can bring up the subject if they have not. Make sure they know about how breasts and penises grow and about, when menstruation and ejaculation start to happen, and why they happen. And after you talk about these things, feel free to leave a couple of books in obvious places around the house so that they can find out more if they don’t want to ask again.

But hopefully, they will ask—again, and again, and again.

• By 12 or 13 (and you are the best judge of when to do this), if you have not already talked about how sex works, it’s time to do so. Or, if you have only explained it in the simplest of terms, it is time to go into more detail. Again, you can bring this up. At the same time, you can start to introduce the idea of consent into the conversation. You can talk about the availability of porn and how bodies in real life don't necessarily look like the ones they'll see if they look at porn. The book by Al Vernaccio, listed below, will help you with how to present some of the ideas you may want to convey.
• Most importantly, make sure you tell your children that you are glad they asked the questions they asked and that they were willing to listen to what you had to say. This will make them feel welcome to ask again in the future when they want to know more.

Sex Essential Reads

Why We Want to Be Wanted

Here's What Shapes the Importance of a "Body Count"

Helpful Books

For a sex-positive book about raising healthy, empowered teens, check out:

• Al Vernacchio's For Goodness Sex: Changing the Way We Talk to Teens About Sexuality, Values, and Health
• Valorie Schaefer's The Care and Keeping of You: The Body Book for Younger Girls
• Kelli Dunham's Girl’s Body Book: Everything Girls Need to Know for Growing Up andThe Boy’s Body Book: Everything You Need To Know for Growing Up