On Being Angry: Handling the Toughest Big Emotion

Sam’s 5-year-old cousin, Toby, was over for a sleepover. Toby’s dad asked, again, for his tablet because it was close to bedtime. What followed was new for Sam: Toby threw a huge “hissy fit” (as labeled by Sam’s dad), throwing himself on the floor and screaming “I hate you” at his father as he kicked the floor. Toby’s mom swept into the room, picked her son up, scowled at her husband, and told Toby she would read him a story.

Problem solved? Not by a long shot. Toby’s tantrum ended, but this kind of meltdown in a 5-year-old means he has not yet learned to manage the intensity of his anger in ways that will avoid trouble in kindergarten and beyond.

Later that evening, Sam’s mom and her sister (Toby’s mom, Susan) debriefed. Susan apologized: “I just didn’t want Toby to embarrass himself in front of Sam.”

Sam’s mom replied, “Sam used to lose it like that when he was little, but I think you have to bite the bullet, sis, and teach him to manage that stuff because rescuing him like that won’t help in the long run. He needs to learn to tolerate not getting everything he wants.”

She’s onto something important. Outsourcing self-regulation the way Susan did lowers the temperature, true enough, but it extinguishes the chance for Toby to start to learn how to regulate this big emotion on his own. And big it is: Our 3-year-old son collapsed on the sofa after a particularly dramatic hissy fit, telling no one in particular, “My whole body hurts.”

Self-regulation is a teachable skill, just like riding a bike. For parents, the curriculum is simple:

1. Settle yourself down—slow breathing helps—and stay calm. Admittedly, this can be challenging because it’s not instinctual in such moments.
2. Give the child time to collect themselves a bit.
3. Speak softly.
4. Narrate the scene, assuming you know the trigger, which we don’t always.

Most young children can eventually tell you why they are upset, but that “whole hurt body” needs time to settle. It helps if you can offer a few lines as you breathe slowly and soothe: “It’s hard to stop playing with your favorite tablet, and you got really angry.” As you calmly speak, make eye contact.

Now for the teachable self-regulation part: “You need your sleep to keep growing. It doesn’t feel good to get so angry, but here’s something that helps. Take three deep breaths—like this [demonstrate the deep breathing]—and then tell someone you love what made you so mad. Let’s practice…”

That’s plenty to start, and it takes repeating, but you need to keep at it and practice for both your child’s sake and your own. Toby’s dad was not the problem because he took the tablet away. He was doing his job. Now, with help, it’s time for Toby to do his.