As a human being my interest is in the insight that it is when things are going well and I have made many good decisions that I have a relapse. I think I am in control and things will finally go well for me and then i relapse. I know its happening, i can be aware that i am going through the cycle again but just go along. I block out the realization of the negative consequences of my actions. once i start I cannot stop until everything is ruined and then I have to start all over again. Its a pattern that i have yet to be able to stop. It has destroyed my life or I have destroyed my life but I cannot seem to stop the pattern. i wish i knew what to do to stop myself in the moments that i am preparing to use again. Rational thought is of no use to me when i am about to use.