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Key points
- Men who experience sexual function difficulties generally report better performance during solo sex.
- Experiencing better sexual functioning during solo sex appears to be normal, and not a sign of external pathology.
- There may be things men can learn from their success during solo sex, and then translate to their partnered sex.
A modern sexual myth is that excessive pornography use leads to men being unable to achieve an erection while with a partner, though they have no problems with performance when watching porn. A core problem with this theory is that it leaves out the very important fact that masturbating alone is a radically different experience than engaging in sexual behaviors with a partner. The notion of “pornography induced erectile dysfunction” has been disproven dozens of times, in study after study. (Men who feel shame over their porn use do report more sexual difficulties, but this is an effect of shame, not the porn.) A new study examined the issue of sexual performance in solo versus partnered sex, and found strong evidence that these represent radically different experiences when it comes to sexual performance.
Rowland, et al., recruited over six thousand men from the United States and Hungary. They excluded men who had never had partnered sex, and men whose responses suggested they were inconsistent, not reading carefully, or whose responses were incomplete. The final sample was 4,209, with a relatively balanced sample across age, education, and sexual orientation. 70% had one current sexual partner, 10% had multiple current sex partners, and 20% were single with no current partner. Because sexual performance issues, especially erectile function, are highly related to medical issue, or to anxiety problems, the researchers also assessed medical and mental health history, finding that 20% of the sample had a history of anxiety and depression struggles. Similar rates of medical problems were found as well, with 20% of men reporting ongoing medical issues. This well-balanced sample is valuable as it allows application of these results to a general population, and not merely to those men whose sexual functioning is affected by mood, anxiety, or medical difficulties.
The study assessed not only erectile functioning, but also premature ejaculation and delayed ejaculation, in order to gather a greater picture of male sexual functioning at large: 21% of the men reported symptoms of premature ejaculation; 13% reported symptoms of erectile difficulties; 19% reported symptoms of delayed ejaculation. Men who reported mild or no sexual functioning difficulties generally reported consistent functioning across both solo sex and sex with a partner.
However, men who reported moderate or severe sexual functioning difficulties showed extremely robust differences between masturbation and partnered sex. Simply put, men who report any sexual difficulties are much more likely to experience these difficulties during sex with a partner, compared to sex by themselves. Across all three areas of sexual functioning, erectile issues, and premature or delayed ejaculation, men consistently reported that they had higher levels of sexual functioning and satisfaction during masturbation. This effect was found across the different groups of men, regardless of age, sexual orientation, anxiety or mood issues, or levels of pornography use.
When masturbating, men reported far higher levels of control over achieving erection and orgasm, and delaying it, or initiating it, congruent with their intent. However, in partnered sex, these men identified very low levels of functioning. The researchers suggest that there are three possible explanations for these differences: In solo sex, men have greater control over the factors associated with their sexual functioning; partnered sex may exacerbate factors which inhibit sexual functioning, such as concern over satisfying their partner; or that, in solo sex, men may simply find sexual function problems less noticeable, and see them as having less impact.
This study suggests strongly that it is, in fact, quite common, even normal, that men experience better sexual functioning when masturbating than when they are with a partner. Men who experience sexual function difficulties may experience increased pressure, anxiety, fear, or “stage fright” when with a partner. When with a partner, they may be unable to include sexual stimuli or use arousal techniques which work for them during solo sex. A great deal of research and clinical intervention supports this pattern in women who report difficulties achieving orgasm with a partner: By finding what works in masturbation, such as the use of a vibrator or fantasy, and bringing those techniques into partnered sex, women report greater experience of sexual satisfaction. This current research indicates that for men experiencing sexual function difficulties, helping them to identify the things which improve their functioning in masturbation and translate those lessons to partnered sex may help them improve their partnered sex experiences.
Unfortunately, when people experience improved sexual performance during solo sex, compared to partnered sex, it often leads to unfortunate comparisons and blaming. Both partners can worry that the difficulties are an indicator of something about the relationship, waning levels of attraction and desire, or even that pornography or fantasy are more arousing than sex with the partner. This research offers robust evidence that improved sexual performance when masturbating is normal in men who experience sexual function difficulties. Rather than blaming and shaming, men and their partners (and their sex therapists) would do best to adopt a neutral, curious, and non-judgmental approach to use a man’s sexual success in masturbation as a way to identify strategies which may make sexual functioning less challenging in partnered sex.
