Am I Giving/Forgiving Too Much?

Many of us, particularly women but a lot of men too, give and give and give. And many of us end up tolerating the intolerable and accepting the unacceptable. Therefore, many of us also feel that we have to forgive and forgive and forgive.

Many believe that this kind of giving and forgiving is normal and even makes them into good or nice people. For them, being good/nice is extremely important because it makes them believe in their own worthiness—although they may or may not have made that connection.

But what if worthiness is not something you have to work for or prove to yourself or others? What if you are worthy because you exist? If we think of what is natural, we have to consider that nothing else in nature has to prove its worth. So, why should humans have to prove that to themselves or others?

Yes, I know, I know, we all heard “Be nice now,” “Be good at the park today,” and “If you are a good boy/girl, we can go to….” Yes, early on we knew that being good/nice was an imperative, which meant that our parents’ acceptance of our behavior, or even in some cases, of us, depended on whether or not we were good/nice. To the degree that that imperative became a measure of our worthiness, some of us began to live our lives based on being good or nice.

We can pack a whole lot into that word imperative. Sometimes, our parents were overly concerned about their image and insisted that our behavior reflected on them, so we had to be extremely good/nice in order to avoid their disappointment or even their wrath. Sometimes, our parents were abusive in some way, verbally, emotionally, or even physically. That might mean that being good was a way of surviving, psychologically or even physically. For some of us, being good was a bargain with the reality that one or both of our parents were addicted. This could mean anything from a raging parent to a parent who reneged on their responsibility or both. Either way, the child of such a parent might come to believe that being good/nice will somehow magically make this better. Such bargaining implies that there is an illusory trade going on in the mind of that child: If I’m good, then you’ll stop drinking/drugging, and love me like I need to be loved.

Any of these, or other, parental interactions with a child might make up that imperative. The child may then grow into adulthood, believing that being good/nice will pave the way to a safe and worthy existence. In some cases, the adult child might believe that being good/nice is existence itself—I only exist to the degree that I can be good/nice.

The bottom line, however, is that it is often dangerous to live this way. Many who live in abusive spousal relationships are trying hard to be good enough to not be abused again. In fact, in some cases, it might be that the perpetrator of such abuse was attracted to the good/nice guy because they could be easily used, manipulated, or abused.

We commonly hear of those extremely violent cases, such as in the instance of murder, where the victim was chosen because they were so naïve as to get into the car, try to help, or try to tolerate and accept to their own detriment. Not only is naïveté built on lack of experience, but it may also be a result of trying very hard to be a good/nice person—often in situations where to do so will only harm the naïve person.

So, if being good/nice is not necessarily good for us, then what are we to do? Well, it is possible to operate out of something more authentic than being good/nice. A more authentic response to others might mean getting in touch with what we really feel or think about a given situation. That might mean really tuning in to what is going on inside of us, instead of going by rote response to the imperative to be good/nice.

If we do that, we might get in touch with some emotions that we haven’t paid much attention to. What if, for example, we get emotionally exhausted believing that we should always be loving and end up carrying all of the weight of a relationship? Tuning in to that emotional information might mean that we have to rethink our notions of love and forgiveness, and, most importantly, begin to ask ourselves if the obligation to love is really a genuine response.

Agreeableness Essential Reads

The Hidden Costs of Being Too Nice

People With a Sweet Tooth May Also Be Sweeter People

What if duty and obligation are not genuine emotional responses, but only rote reactions based primarily on guilt and the imperative that we should love? What if genuine love is not made up of obligation or guilt?

Getting in touch with our deeper responses might also mean paying attention to our intuition and our discernment. Intuition is our capacity to know things without even having any evidence. Kids today call it a “vibe” or “spidey sense.” They talk about getting a “creep vibe,” for example, which might be particularly important when it comes to protecting ourselves from dangerous people.

Discernment is our capacity to be with what is going on internally while simultaneously paying attention to what is going on externally. In this way, if someone is saying or doing something that feels unsafe, unloving, or unkind, and as a result, you feel unsafe, anxious, or sad, then you can use that information to make decisions about what you will do to make yourself safe, calmer, and happier.

Here's the thing: The minute you put “should” in front of the word “love,” it ceases to be love and becomes an obligation. You don’t have to be loving. Genuine love knows no have tos. It gives itself without attachment to worthiness or the expectations of others.