How to Make Family Outings More Fun

Walking our dog down a wooded trail, the family ahead of us had all the signs of a group you wanted to avoid. Pouty stomping almost-teen. Over solicitous and clearly annoyed mother and aunt. Binocular-wielding grandmother 100 yards ahead, calling for them all to hurry up.

Getting closer confirmed the all-too-familiar issues. Mom assuring her daughter that "it is fun." Eye rolls. Heavy auntie sighs and loud grumbles of "I want to go home!" followed by "Come on, it's family time."

When we caught up, the daughter perked up at the dog, immediately asking if she could pet him. She stepped forward with a big smile to tail-wagging wiggles. All the adults around her snapped that "she should have asked," then backed off in surprise when we assured them she had.

Family time in the woods.

4 ways my own parents made family time fun

I come from a big family that did things together every weekend. Sailing. Canoe trips. Picnics. Walks, Visits to Grandma's. Every week. We all came unless we had a scheduled event. It was not optional.

There were lots of times I'd rather have stayed home. But I remember those times together fondly — and so do my sisters and brother. How did my parents manage it?

They didn't tell us it would be fun. Telling people how they feel — or how they're going to feel — is never a good basis for a healthy relationship. And if I'm dead set again going, telling me it will be fun immediately evokes opposition (No, it won't!). Don't go there. Instead, my parents were straightforward: "We're going for a picnic. Grab the frisbee."

They made it a family trip, not a parent trip. Planning an activity for people who are 3 to 50 is tough. It probably means that different things will have different appeals to different folks. So we might go for a walk in the woods and bring along a treat we'd only get on Sundays. They might casually mention, "we'll stop for ice cream on the way home" when they told us to get ready. Or tell us to "bring the cards" or "your phone to take some pictures" or ask us to "tell me about your new roleplaying game." In other words, we'd be canoeing (dad activity) but talking about video games (kid activity) and stopping for frozen custard when we are all hot (family activity). They rarely picked anything we really hated because if they were enthusiastic enough about what they loved (see 3 below), we'd find it was less boring than we thought it was going to be. If they included stuff we liked along the way, there was always something that made it at least okay. Or, if it involved ice cream, kind of nice.

They made it clear that they loved having us there. In other words, they were taking us on an outing because they liked our company, not because it was good for us or would make great memories for us in the future. There's something nice about people who obviously like you around. It feels good to feel loved.

They shared their enthusiasm and ignored our lack of it. I was really struck this morning by how much (negative) attention the young girl got for being unhappy and how little (positive) attention she got for being happy and engaged. I've seen my mom deal with grumbling kids and grandkids for decades. How? Listening and attending but ignoring and engaging. There is nothing wrong with kids grumbling. If that's how they feel, that's how they feel. If the family asks them to be there and they show up, they've done their job. They don't have to enjoy it. Parents can't dictate their emotions (see point 1). Arguing won't make it better.

But they did pay attention and plan activities they thought we'd like (point 2), even if they never told us they were doing so. And they absolutely shared their own enthusiasm, which can be really contagious. In my mind, I could hear my mom's voice: "Look at that tree over there. It's split right in half with a little cave inside." "Did you hear that bird? It sounds like a red tail hawk. Do you remember that hawk scream at the beginning of Mulan?" "Look at the stream. There's got to be a hundred frogs. Do you see any pollywogs?" "I was just watching this show on Netflix where they talked about wild goats taking over a town in Germany ... "

By chatting about enough things that you are interested in, you are leaving breadcrumbs for their curiosity to follow up on. My mom wouldn't even say it to us — she'd strategically talk to herself while saying things she knew would prick up our ears. She would leave space for curiosity to go from spark to ember to tiny flame. Urie Bronfenbrenner, one of the great psychologists of the 20th century and father of five kids, used to say that the key to engaging kids is to run away slowly enough that they can catch you. My mom is a master of that. Dangle something interesting and, when the kids follow up, express mild surprise and follow their lead.

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Sharing your love of where you are, what you're doing, and being together can be contagious. Give your kids the opportunity to share that with you. To find it on their own. One day or one trip may bomb. It does. Life is not a long series of high points. But what makes good memories to look back on is a crazy quilt of many different experiences with people you care about.