What to Do When Your Child Comes Out as LGBTQ+

While the COVID-19 pandemic has been hard on everyone, it has been especially challenging for young people. Studies have found that in comparison to pre-pandemic prevalence rates, mental health issues like depression and anxiety have doubled for adolescents. Numerous psychologists, researchers, educators, journalists, and advocates have described the many factors that may contribute to these disparities — including feelings of social isolation, the inability to physically connect with peers, limited opportunities for extracurricular activities, and the psychological stressors of online, hybrid, or restrictive in-person learning. For queer and trans youth, there are many additional factors that may add to their COVID-related stressors, including being quarantined with unsupportive family members or being unable to express their identities due to their unsafe home environments.

A child celebrating pride

Source: Marta Esquilin, used with permission

While navigating sexuality and gender identity has typically been difficult for most lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or queer (LGBTQ) youth, doing so during a global pandemic may be intensified by other mental health issues. Thus, it is especially critical for psychologists, educators, and other helping professionals to do whatever they can to ensure that queer and trans youth are able to thrive as they navigate the world.

Perhaps more importantly, parents must be supportive of their children. Childhood and adolescence is when people develop their identities, set goals, and dream about the future. It is also the time when they learn the coping mechanisms to manage the myriad obstacles all around them. Parents of children who may be questioning or declaring their identities as LGBTQ must be even more vigilant in making sure that their children feel supported, as LGBTQ youth have historically been susceptible to issues like depression, substance use, suicidal ideation, sexual coercion, and bullying. Parents of children who are heterosexual and cisgender have the opportunity to teach their kids to be kind, open-minded and empathetic — which may assist in the decreasing heterosexism and transphobia in future generations.

With all of this in mind, I have become more hopeful that some members of the current generation of parents have created safer spaces and supportive environments for their children. In fact, this past year alone, several friends disclosed to me that their teenage children came out to them as queer or trans. None of these parents approached me with fear or embarrassment, nor sadness or anger; rather, they turned to me for any salient advice that I — as an LGBTQ expert, queer friend, and gay parent — could give to them. Each of these parents told me how they reminded their child that they were unconditionally loved. Each then showered their child with affection, while affirming they would do whatever they could to support them.

While each conversation was different, my response has generally been the same. After recognizing the bravery in their children’s disclosures (one was only 11 years old), I attest that their child’s ability to communicate with them was a direct result of trust and good parenting. These parent(s) created a space and a dynamic in which the young person felt they could share an important part of themselves. My colleague Roberto Espinoza described how we should reframe the disclosure process not as “coming out” but rather “letting in." In an ideal world, queer and trans people would not have to make big announcements about who they "really" are; instead, they can just show their loved ones and communities who they have always been.

Next, I validate to each parent that their love and support changed the trajectory of their children’s lives. For most LGBTQ young people of previous generations, coming out was a process that often resulted in severed relationships, abuse, or violence. Research has found that LGBTQ youth have a higher likeliness of being homeless, due to being kicked out by their families or running away to escape violent or unsafe environments. When LGBTQ youth are bullied at school, they are more likely to have more absent days, which may result in their dropping out or limit their ability to thrive academically or economically. Further, because research has found that more parental support is linked to lower suicidality in LGBTQ youth, having queer- and trans-affirming parents can be the difference between life and death.

Perhaps if all parents affirmed their children’s sexual orientations and gender identities, we could change the narrative of what is considered a typical LGBTQ experience. By having supportive families, perhaps queer and trans youth can skip the shame, the depression, the suicidal ideation, the addictions, and the low self-esteem. By knowing they are loved, perhaps they can learn to accept and celebrate themselves (especially from a very early age); by knowing that their parents will love them, perhaps they won’t feel all alone. No longer do they have to carry a secret that brings shame or stigma; instead, they can be free, potentially avoiding the lifelong burden of healing the inner child that never knew if they would be accepted.

The last thing I tell parents of newly-out queer and trans kids is that they really should celebrate. Having an LGBTQ child is like winning the lottery. While I can anecdotally attest that queer and trans youth are amazing (e.g., I experience them to be phenomenal listeners, witty, empathetic, resourceful, and know how to keep life exciting or interesting), there is some research that supports the actual benefits of being queer or trans. For example, studies suggest that LGBTQ people tend to be happier in their relationships than those in heterosexual couples and that children with LGBTQ parents tend to be happier than children of non-LGBTQ couples. Thus, parents of LGBTQ children can rest a little easier, knowing that their children (and potential grandchildren) have a higher likelihood of being happy. Further, I have told many parents of LGBTQ youth that their kids are more likely to take care of them when they are older. Studies have also found that LGBTQ people are more likely to be caretakers than non-LGBTQ people, often taking care of their parents, older relatives, or friends. So, for parents who are kind and compassionate with their kids now, it is more likely that their adult children will be kind and compassionate with them later.

Finally, it used to be that having LGBTQ kids meant that you had failed at parenting. Parents often blamed themselves for what they did wrong, or wondered what they did (or did not do) to result in what would bring them shame and pain. That narrative changes today.

A hug shared between a child and their parent

Source: Ivan Samkov/ Pexels

If you have an LGBTQ kid who felt comfortable to "let you in," it means that you actually did everything right. You raised someone who knows who they are and is not afraid to say it. You instilled the values of bravery, resilience, and authenticity — something many people do not even learn as adults. You made them believe that they could be themselves, and that they would always be loved, despite the adversity and discrimination they would face. Congratulations: You won the lottery. And, because of your unconditional love and support, so did they.