Why Do We Keep Doing Things That Don’t Serve Us?

When something difficult happens, how do you react?

Perhaps you feel sad or bored, or someone says or does something upsetting. Maybe you see something distressing in the news. In these moments, many of us turn to our favorite go-to coping habits — even if they don’t serve us in the long run.

• Escaping into your phone, social media, or gaming
• Keeping busy
• Comfort eating (my daughter once caught me grabbing a snack and said, “Dad, you can’t eat your feelings.”)
• Finding someone or something to blame it all on — “it’s social media’s fault.”

Sound familiar?

The Two Arrows: How We Turn Pain Into Suffering

More than 2,500 years ago, the Buddha told the story of the two arrows to describe how we turn pain into suffering. We all encounter pain and discomfort, which is the first arrow — an automatic, simple reaction to something like touching a live flame or seeing something that upsets us. But then there’s a second arrow — this is our resistance, judgment, and the stories we tell ourselves. The first arrow, the pain of being burnt by the flame, is automatic. It will be fired regardless, and there is nothing we can do about it. The second arrow is how we react, and it is here that we, largely without knowing we’re doing it, can create distress and suffering.

The suffering of second arrows

Source: Atabey Sánchez-Haiman. Used with permission

So why do we react in ways that are ultimately unhelpful? Why do we fire a second arrow? In some ways it’s obvious. We don’t want to feel bad; we don’t like it. We want to feel good. We want things to go well, and we want them to continue going well. Busyness, sticking our head in the sand, blaming someone else, trying desperately to “fix it” — these strategies often make us feel like we’re doing something helpful, trying to fix or explain what’s happened. They may even make us feel better some of the time. Because we feel a little bit better, we may do it again, and again. And before we know it, it has become a habit, even part of our personality.

Reactivity: How Suffering Is Created

From an evolutionary and psychological perspective, the Buddha’s teaching on the second arrow can be expanded. Our tendency to react automatically has deep roots. In our evolutionary history, certain habits served us well: We learned to seek safety, water, food, and companionship; we learned to avoid threats or seek whatever confers survival value.

It also makes sense on a personal level. If you grew up in a home with a lot of conflict, you may have learned to avoid arguments by slipping away to your room and putting headphones on. That strategy worked then — but it may now show up whenever tension arises, even if withdrawing no longer helps.

How Our Brains Learn (and Keep) Unhelpful Habits

Behavioral psychology points to associative and operant learning as key drivers of our actions:

1. Associative Learning

• This is learning through association, just as my dog learned that when I put my shoes on a walk might be in the cards. We learn that certain bodily states are associated with emotions. For instance, a pounding heart could be excitement or anxiety.

2. Operant Learning

• Here, behaviors are shaped by reinforcement (something pleasant that follows an action, like praise from a parent or boss) or punishment (something unpleasant that follows an action, like being criticised).
• Positive reinforcement is when something rewarding follows our actions. A store owner offering discounts for people who bring their own bags, for example.
• Negative reinforcement is when an action removes something unpleasant — like comfort eating when we feel stressed. These “quick fixes” can become embedded habits, because they make us feel better.
• Punishment teaches us to avoid doing something that leads to an unpleasant outcome—like not speeding to avoid a ticket.

Why Do Unhelpful Habits Persist?

By itself, any habit would fade slowly (a process called “extinction”). But when something is reinforced just some of the time (“partial” or “intermittent” reinforcement), this keeps it going. Think of gamblers who keep playing the slot machines — even when they’re losing — because there’s always that random chance of winning.

The Hopeful Message

Of course, many difficult things we face in our lives are only too real (illness, money problems, losing people we love, as well as wider issues in the world like inequalities, economic downturns, climate change). The hopeful message is that we come to recognize our reactivity, the second arrow, and in time train ourselves to stop firing that second arrow. By recognizing our habits as soon as they arise, we begin to see them clearly. From there, with practice, we can gently choose a different response.

Mindfulness Essential Reads

The Freedom to Be Human in the Age of Algorithms

Mindful Mantras for Everyday Life

Choosing not to fire the second arrow

Source: Atabey Sánchez-Haiman. Used with permission

Sam’s Story: “I Can’t Stand My Psoriasis”

Take Sam, for example. He’s lived with psoriasis since childhood, and every time he has an outbreak, it’s a flurry of second arrows: “This isn’t fair... I can’t believe I’m scratching again... Why do I have to deal with this?” He beats himself up and worsens his condition by scratching. When Sam learns to recognize these second arrows, he can pause, breathe, and respond with more kindness. His psoriasis is still there (first arrow), but he no longer adds layers of resentment or harsh self-criticism (second arrow).

Final Thoughts

We can’t avoid life’s pain and discomfort, but we can avoid turning it into suffering. Recognizing our automatic habits and the second arrows we fire is the first step. With practice, we realize that the second arrow — our reactivity — is optional. Instead, we can meet our pain, challenges, and frustrations with a gentler, wiser response.

This is based on an extract from my 2024 book Mindfulness for Life. It goes on to explore in detail how we can respond wisely and live well.