Heavy Lifting vs. Lack of Affection: Breaking the Loop

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What bothers you most? If you're like a common client of mine, it's something like the following:

Jake: Whatever I do, it’s never enough or good enough; lots of criticism, little appreciation. And most of all, there’s little affection or sex. I’m doing my best and not getting enough back.

Maggie: I’m always doing the heavy lifting—housework, kids. I have to tell Jake what to do; why he can’t see what has to be done? I feel like his mother. And then he complains—tells me I’m always nagging, but I’m “nagging” because he doesn’t follow through—is good for a week or two but then drops off. He complains about not having enough sex, but I don’t feel sexual because I’m tired and a bit resentful. I’m doing my best and getting enough back.

Does this sound familiar? Maybe. Jake and Maggie’s problem is one of the most common complaints and patterns: One feels they are shouldering the bulk of the work, is not appreciated, and is trying to get the other to step up. The other feels constantly micromanaged, treated like a child, unappreciated, and not getting enough positive back. Both ultimately feel the same—resentful, unappreciated, and not getting what they need.

The core problem: The loop.

In most relationships, behaviors and emotions feed off each other, creating a dysfunctional loop: Jake feels criticized and unappreciated and looks for affection and sex to balance it out. Maggie feels burned out and unsupported and understandably doesn’t feel romantic or sexual. Each thinks that the only way out is to get the other to change: Jake wants Maggie to back off, appreciate what he does, and be more affectionate; Maggie wants Jake to step up, take more initiative, stop complaining, and appreciate her more. This quickly turns into a standoff, with each of them waiting for the other one to change and each keeping score.

Rather than seeing each other as the problem and enemy, and because the pattern is always more powerful than the people, the key is breaking the loop itself. Here’s how they can do it.

Both need to acknowledge each other’s feelings.

Instead of arguing over who does more, who is more hurt, and who isn’t being appreciated, they need to work together to solve the problem. The starting point is both acknowledging each other’s feelings as valid rather than getting into the weeds about whose reality is right.

Both need to be clear about what they want.

It’s easy for Maggie and Jake to fall into trading vague demands—you need to stop nagging; you need to stop being passive-aggressive. Instead, it’s better to talk about what they each want the other to do in a concrete, behavioral, positive way: Rather than my asking you to do things all the time, I’d like you to share more of the responsibility by proactively helping with chores; rather than telling me you’re too tired to have sex or have a date night, I’d like it if you would initiate date nights or even acknowledge when I’ve stepped up and helped more.

Both need to agree on win-win compromises to handle differences.

Maggie and Jake may have different standards about what cleaning up the house means or different ideas about bedtime routines for the kids. Here, they need to sit down together and reach some middle ground that they both can agree to: perhaps coming up with a chore list of essential tasks with who is doing what or deciding on what time the kids need to be in bed even if they each have their own styles and routines for getting them there.

The key is to focus on the endpoint—the cleaning, the bedtime—rather than arguing over the process and how it needs to be done.

Both work their side of the equation without keeping score.

Jake agrees to handle certain chores, while Maggie agrees not to micromanage. Maggie agrees to be more affectionate, while Jake agrees to appreciate her efforts and turns down his complaints about sex. Each puts their head down and works their side of the equation without keeping score—you didn’t clean the bathroom when you said you would, so I’m pulling back; you weren’t more affectionate, so I don’t care about helping out. This is falling back into the old pattern instead of changing it.

They need to meet and tweak.

Because it’s easy to fall back into the old pattern, it’s important to check in, not to complain, but to see where the plan is not working. Maggie has been more withdrawn because she has not been feeling well; Jake thinks they need to adjust the kids’ bedtimes. Making adjustments is fine; they are often necessary. They need to come up with a solution that works, and they usually can’t discover it until they’ve moved forward and experimented.

Again, the keys are working together as a team against the dysfunctional loop, each being sensitive to what the other needs, each taking responsibility for solving the problem. The goal is changing the climate, not each other.