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- Kim’s husband has just told her that he wants to divorce. She is completely taken off guard. His vague explanation of “not being happy,” of feeling resentful, of her preoccupation with her work, has stunned and shocked her. She finds herself lying awake at night, mentally thumbing through the years. Her own reservations about whether he was The One just before their marriage that her sister convinced her were just pre-marital nerves; his being away on long business trips when he rarely called saying he was tied up with work; the weekends of jam-packed “family time” but very little couple time.
- There are very few days, maybe none, where Ann doesn’t think about her best friend Kate who overdosed and died ten years ago. Ann found her body and was the one who called the EMTs. Those images of Kate surrounded by 5 EMTs trying to resuscitate her still haunt her. She mentally trolls through the weeks and days before Kate’s suicide, wondering what signs she missed, eventually always landing back on the sharp pang about the late-night call from Kate that she was too tired to answer.
- For months now, whenever there's not enough to pull his mind away, Thomas finds himself mentally drudging through the failures of his past–the time he was fired from his first job, the endless years of struggle in his marriage that ended with a shattering divorce. He looks back and sees only a life-path littered with mistakes, guilt, and regret.
- Maria’s husband had an affair–20 years ago—but with counseling and commitment they were able to work through it, and things have been going well since. But now, out-the-blue, Maria finds her mind drifting back to the affair, backtracking through old ground that she thought was well behind her.
What is pulling these folks back into the past? Here are some of the most common sources:
Shock and grief
Kim is struggling to make sense of what has just happened. What her shock and grief-stricken mind is doing is trying to connect the dots and make sense of what she has just experienced. She instinctively trails through her relationship with her husband, looking for clues, omens, that tie the recent past and the present together in some rational way, helping her create a narrative that makes sense. This is the nature of grief, an automatic re-viewing of your life through a new lens, for Kim, one of pending divorce. Once she settles on a story that makes sense to her, once she mentally finds signs that can link her to the present, her obsessions will begin to settle.
Like Kim, Ann too is plowing through her past to try and understand why what happened, happened. But Ann is also struggling with trauma; trauma that she has been unable to process. She is left with mental images that even after all these years are still raw and easily triggered, as well as guilt that hangs on and continues to haunt her.
Where anxiety tends to propel folks into the future—the “What if”—depression is a strong undertow, dragging its victims back into the past. The mental process is the same—trying to connect the past and present—how I feel now with a past that makes sense. Where Kim pieces together the threads of her marriage, Ann, her relationship with Kate, Thomas’ depression understandably trolls through everything negative that has happened before. His depressive mind is saying, "you’re a loser, you screwed up."
Present problems
So why is Maria suddenly thinking about this seemingly long-dead event from the past? Likely because it is being triggered in the present. Maybe there is some new loss that is triggering this past grief or an overall low-grade depression. Or it may be because she and her husband have been increasingly disconnected over the past weeks, both preoccupied with work, finding their downtime conversations strained or routine, their sex life receding. Like some old recurring dream, her mind is bringing forth the past to connect it to the emotional present.
While a cursory look back over our shoulder at our past can make it appear to be a big block of history, a mental stack of memories and facts of all that has gone on before, our relationship with our past is actually more pliable and active. Not only is it always shape-shifting as we view it through the lens of our present, but it is in constant motion, at times receding when we are intensely focused on the present or future, or unexpectedly marching forward and intruding into our present, haunting us when we least expect it. Our past and present are like conjoined twins, each different yet both linked to each other. Where one goes, goes the other.
How do we make peace with our pasts?
For Kim, it is about moving through and beyond her understandable sense of shock and loss. She may find her mind going back to earlier losses—past, unfinished relationships, the death of a grandparent or friend. All losses are connected, entwined like the roots of trees in a forest. With time, she will grieve, and move on, hopefully with a lesson learned.
For Ann, her past is frozen, a still-photo image that never seems to change. She needs help changing the image, her view of the events. She needs help processing what happened with therapy, by talking, rather than not talking, about the past and her guilt. This will help break the mental logjam and help her move on.
For Thomas, it is about shifting his mood—with therapy, maybe with medication. He needs help realizing that his past is colored by his state-of-mind, rather than falsely believing all the morals of his current story of his life are true.
And for Maria it is about being curious: Why now, after all these years, are these old wounds being triggered, these old recurring dreams being dreamt again? She needs to look at her present, see the problem in the present that her past is pointing her towards.
So, what is your current relationship with your past? What is it telling you about your present? What is it that you need to finally let go of?
