Worrying as a Grandparent: Balancing Love, Concern, and Trust

In my private practice, I work with a grandmother who feels like she worries “too much” about her teenage granddaughter. She often feels that when she visits with her adult children and grandchildren, as much as she loves seeing them, she always leaves worrying more and more about things that her granddaughter is doing.

Her granddaughter’s struggles with friendships, her reliance on social media, and worries about her future in today’s uncertain world sit squarely on this grandmother’s shoulders. Connected to this worry is the grandmother’s feeling that she can’t say anything to her daughter or son-in-law, fearing they would dismiss her concerns.

Beneath that, her granddaughter’s social struggles also stir up old memories—her own adolescent difficulties with friends, and even now, her current challenges making new friends in her independent living residence. In this way, her worries are not just about her granddaughter’s life but her own, reflected back at her.

Why Do Grandparents Worry?

Grandparents worry for many of the same reasons parents do—because they love deeply and want their grandchildren to thrive. But worry as a grandparent has a different flavor. Unlike parents, who are in the day-to-day of raising children, grandparents often watch from the sidelines. This distance can magnify concern: They see the struggles and risks but have less power to act.

It can help to remember that your grandchild is being raised in a different world from the one you were raised in.

Worry is also tied to our shifting role. As parents, we once had authority. As grandparents, our role changes: supportive, influential, but not in charge. That shift takes time and acceptance.

Several factors contribute to our worry:

• Changing times: Grandparents compare today’s world with the one in which they raised their children. Social media, safety concerns, and global uncertainty can feel overwhelming.
• Personal echoes: A grandchild’s challenges often awaken old memories—reminders of our own adolescence, or even struggles in any developmental stage in our lives.
• Observation without power: Watching without being able to intervene can feel frustrating and heighten anxiety.

Watching Worry in Action

Worries also shift with age and stage. With my 2-year-old grandson, my attention is drawn to his adventurous climbing and running. As a psychologist, I know his behavior is developmentally appropriate: Toddlers test their boundaries, develop independence, and discover their own solutions. Yet, as a grandfather, I sometimes feel my heart leap as he scales the couch or balances precariously.

During a recent visit, I watched my grandson climb onto the couch, stand up, and look out the window. So, rather than putting my hand behind his back so he wouldn’t fall, I just watched him figure it out. He seemingly had his plan to make himself safe by holding on to the edge of the couch and moving his legs back to be in a stronger stance. Of course, he’s only 2 and could fall, but I was impressed with his problem-solving skills and ingenuity at work.

As Anna Quindlen wrote in her book Nanaville: Adventures in Grandparenting:

“It’s a complicated relationship, being a good grandparent, because it hinges on a series of other relationships. It’s an odd combination of being very experienced and totally green: I know how to raise a child, but I need to learn how to help my child raise his own. Where I once commanded, now I need to ask permission. Where I once led, I have to learn to follow. For years, I had strong opinions for a living. Now I need to wait until I am asked for them, and modulate them most of the time. Probably I overreact. One day I sent his parents an email about a school: you should consider this for Arthur. I stared at the sentence, and then changed it: you might want to consider this for Arthur. Better to suggest than to command."

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What to Do With Worry?

So how do we as grandparents balance our love and concerns for our grandchildren while managing our own anxiety? Here are some suggestions:

• Identify whose worry it is. Sometimes the worry belongs more to us than to our grandchild. Old memories or current struggles can color what we see.
• Notice the type of worry. Is it productive—leading to constructive support—or unproductive, keeping us stuck in rumination?
• Choose how and when to speak up. If you choose to share your worries with your adult children, remember to do it in a way that demonstrates your concern rather than being critical of their parenting decisions. Remember—it’s not helpful to put your own anxieties on your adult children.
• Consider your grandchild’s stage. A toddler’s daring, a teen’s social struggles, or a young adult’s uncertainty are often developmentally normal, even if they make us anxious.
• Trust both generations. Trust your adult children to parent thoughtfully and your grandchildren to develop resilience. Your empathy and support go a long way.
• Keep perspective. Ask yourself: “Will this matter in six months—or is it part of the normal ups and downs of growing up?”
• Care for yourself. Journaling, mindfulness, or talking with other grandparents can help manage your own worry so it doesn’t spill over into family interactions.

At its heart, worry is an expression of love. But left unchecked, it can close us off rather than draw us closer. The art of grandparenting lies in balancing care with trust—being present, observant, and supportive, while allowing space for both our adult children and our grandchildren to grow.