How did I manage to become an adult? Why am I not afraid of things I'm supposed to fear? Why can't I show others my natural urges? The problem from 'here' is that that experience is so unsophisticated; so overwhelming; so easy to suppress; will a thought regime-change really do anything? And I think 'building' is a spurious metaphor. What if you simply, always already had all the confidence you're ever going to get? The difference is, rather than a sugary feeling, it's all the discomfort, dissatisfaction and unwieldy will that's continuously colouring your awareness with a painful yearning you've felt forever? Anyway... I think the difficulty of self-confidence is it encapsulates a need to enter a life-without-form, where something you want is uncertain, and then not often easy to remember after. Trying to develop a practice 'complex' enough to 'control' that? It may work. It may be unnecessary. I guess I'm saying self-confidence may be involuntary AND voluntary; something like breathing? I stop trying to build... just want less quietly.

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