I'm not a professional, I probably shouldn't offer advice... my life, not the intensity of yours but similar patterns. For years I listened to people say "you need to let that go" and thought... easy for you to say... (I still say that about some things). I have some well meaning friends who have had the advantages of support, good fortune and have made better decisions, they live very comfortable lives and tell me I need to play more and... take a vacation... (have been working to just "get by" for many years, outside influences chipping away at all progress, older, more health problems... sigh.... vacation?).

many years ago (teens) I began reading about everything I thought might help... and doing meditation, the first thing I connected to was deeper emotional pain (that was fun, I was already unhappy). I read books on Christianity, Buddhism, energy healing (I can hear the eyes rolling, but, I have an ability with that, that feeling of transcendent peace, is nice, I have not been able to carry it into everyday life yet). Life continued to be difficult (too many unkind and abuse relationships, employers, neighbors) and I continued to think it was unfair, hurtful. I read a lot of books on family dynamics, relationships (the first, "Games People Play" in my teens)... some silly self help books and some great works by brilliant authors (Guide to Rational Living, during difficult marriage and divorce) and many in between. For many years I felt I kept walking up a steep sand dune, perpetually. In the past few years I have developed a greater ability to see the unkind people and unfair events as something outside myself, they happen, and my chance in it is how I feel about it and what I do about it. I think I hoped I could make my life easier... seems I did not sign up for "easy", but I no longer feel I was dropped down that deep emotional "well of despair" without hope or help, without love or support... (though the support is often self made).
I might describe my progress as climbing up from a deep dark hole on a rickety ladder.... (I visualize very well, I see a homemade ladder in a deep hole in some southwest mountain site (Mesa Verde? have never been there)... interestingly, being put in dark hole was often an ancient rite of passage...)
My point is, there is improvement in the way I perceive, respond, feel, understand what happens.
My way was to better understand the unconscious patterns (mine and others) of behavior and find a way to make my time in it less painful... and eventually, interesting... some bad behavior at work last week, I found myself thinking... why do seemingly intelligent people still do that at their age? (petty, mean, ganging up on the "outsider", geeezzz) later realized, some years ago I would have been unhappy, hurt... it disadvantages me professionally and, I did not handle it the most effectively, still trying to make a point.... but, I saw it for what it was, their thoughtlessness and my reaction....
and I'm determined to proceed from here in a more enjoyable state of mind for me, and more understanding (goal to be, not a victim and not a combatant, in interactions and in life)

I know this is more difficult when you are in pain. You have had some horrific experiences.
that creates an additional layer to your struggle.
but... I really think....
something like this... learning... gradually changing as you understand
offers a change in being
often leads to a change in experience (if not in physical condition, though, it often helps)

Wishing you some good fortune

PS. reading your story..... many years ago my dad was marrying and moving to LV, he was throwing out the "junk" he did not want... something lead me to ask and open one box of "junk" it was full of photos, family photos. It contained a lot of pictures of a baby with blond hair and black eyes... no name (brother and sis baby pics had their name on the back). When I had a stack of the unnamed baby I thought, must be me.. I asked him, "could these be pictures of me?" He answered irritated, "I don't know" and, I realized, he really didn't care and was irritated with me for making him uncomfortable. The antique toys I had collected as a child had been given to a neighbor (or thrown out) "you didn't want that junk did you? I told you to come and get them". They moved to LV, I heard stories of them giving financial assistance to her profligate adult children (car, education, home, assistance we did not receive when younger), I received few letters (no thanks for gifts send), but a few blazing letters about what a selfish and unappreciative child I was and I once forgot to send an anniversary card (dealing with a crisis of my own). In one letter he explained his emphysema was caused by his labor to make a nice house for us (wife, children)... instead of his chain smoking (in spite of my childhood asthma and sibling health problems). what a guy....
Fortunately for me, this happened after a time I was understanding of his... limitations?
I was hurt when a set of laboriously hand crafted gifts were returned, he would not sign for the package. No appreciation for gifts but hell if I didn't send something... I think there is a chapter in Games People Play on this one...
He left everything, as far as I know... to 2nd wife, including childhood memory items, that could mean nothing to her... though, my siblings seem to have our childhood Christmas ornaments... not sure when that happened. That still twinges.. being the oldest, I used to organize the tree trimming.... Like I said, what a guy....

as I said, I visualize well.... I sometimes see it as if I was riding along in a wagon with a lot of bullying, unkind people (poking, prodding me, making fun)...it finally occurred to me to get out and just walk along on my own (it felt odd at first, I felt as if I were letting them down in some way). And it is not as if the other problems went away... but I feel better... a lot better and more often
and my goal is, to feel even better, even more often... no matter what
now, I used to say, "how can you be happy when _________ (current issue) is happening?"
now I think, why not?

I hope anything I have said is useful to you
Good fortune dear, truly

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