Well, I gotta say that this article is a bunch of bunk. You have to find a way to define a person close to you whose behavior is trashing your existence. In the course of trying to understand it, we define things....it is how the human mind works!! We generally use labels for such purposes. It is normal that when you finally figure out the mode of attack (I am talking about purely psychological, that you will to some extent retaliate--it is only normal). I gotta tell you that I dismissed my partner's perspective almost out-of-hand because it was such a load of hooey. At first, due to a lack of experience with such people, I gave careful consideration to his grievances and later came to see them as the shallow justifications for his outrageous behavior. I attended Al Anon where they spoke in anguished tones of their suffering at the hands of their abusers and remembered thinking..."No way I am doing this for the rest of my life...."

• Describe their partners as abusive-Because they are!!!
• Minimize or justifying their own aggressive behavior-Trying to defend who you are in the face of abuse seems pretty normal
• Dismiss their partners' perspective- Because it is largely, a load of hooey
• Attribute malevolent intent to their partners' positive behavior- what positive behavior
• Use negative labels (selfish, controlling, pig)- Call it what it is
• Pathologize their partners- No need to do that---they are already there
• Exhibit self-righteousness- Not really, searching for solutions and making good decisions leaves little time for such displays
• Show no compassion - Lets recap---the abuser has destroyed your family and damaged all of its members because of their self-preoccupation. Do I feel sorry for them---No....I am too busy trying to do damage control. In fact, to this day, he could be on fire on a sidewalk and I wouldn't lift a finger to put him out as I hurried by. Am I angry? OH YEAH!! You bet!!!

How ridiculous that with all the professional help that I sought, no one, NOT ONE PERSON, had the guts to tell this man that what he was doing was wrong and ruining the lives of the people around him. It absolutely flabbergasted me. Thanks mental health professionals for your support in my hour of need. In fact the level of contempt that I felt for these counselors is second only to the amount of complete and total contempt that I have for the abuser. Do I forgive him? For what happened between us--- perhaps--I bear responsibility if only because I chose this relationship---I also chose to end it. For trashing my kid? There is nothing that will ever excuse him or make reparations for that.

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