This is the kind of thing that pisses me off. I'm sick of always hearing that bullshit about being positive all the time. When I was broke, homeless and hungry, people were actually giving me shit for being so down. What, my life has turned to shit, but I'm supposed to walk around smiling and happy? I don't have a home; I'm sleeping on the street and eating from the garbage. But yet I have no business being negative and sad. What a load of shit. I've helped people even when I wasn't straight. I've fed mouths that have talked shit about me. I looked out for people who wouldn't give a rusty nickel for me. I was always on people's minds until they no longer needed me...and I was left to fend for myself.

I managed to get myself back on track. I found a job and put in tons of hours. I helped out a coworker; it was the one time it actually worked out in my favor. She gave me a car for helping her keep from losing her nursing license. I put in even more hours and was able to find an apartment that was willing to work with me; I paid a "friend" to help me move. As soon as he had the money, he disappeared. It was just my son and me and we got it done on our own. I've helped people who were homeless and they just turned their asses in my face. I went to bat for these people and they just shit on me. My fiance--I don't even know if we're still together at this point and don't really care--makes all these rules for me about how I am allowed to dress, what I'm allowed to do, who I can hang out with and even what I'm allowed to say to him. I went cold and shut down. I no longer call him like I used to. I don't call any of my so-called friends who only bother to contact me when they need something from me.

I simply withdrew from the world. I spend all my time in my room, in my bed. I do everything from my bed online or over the phone. I go nowhere and I do nothing outside of this house. I ignore phone calls. I don't talk to anyone because I don't feel like having yet another exchange like the one above. I don't want to hear it.

Life sucks; that's a fact. Bad things happen and pretending they don't or refusing to look at them doesn't make prevent them or make them go away. You can have millions of dollars and still get hit by a crosstown bus and be a quadriplegic. You can accomplish great things and still suffer a traumatic loss. I go online quite often and I scroll through different articles and posts on my social media feed and I just say to myself, "Who cares?" Because I really don't. I don't care that someone got into college or won the lottery or discovered something valuable. I don't care if some celebrity is having a baby or has a personal shopper or just bought a mansion. I don't care what Trump is doing. I don't care what is going on in government and politics. I don't give a shit about medical breakthroughs; I can't afford it if I needed it anyway. I don't give a shit about the Flint water crisis. I don't care about mass shootings or gun control or abortion or foodstamps or affordable housing or minimum wage. I don't give a shit about police shootings or animal rights or if my children do anything with their lives. I don't care if my fiance stays or leaves; I really don't give a shit. I'm tired of giving a shit. Now all I want to do is spend whatever time I have eating and sleeping and waiting to die.

More Posts