BPD/NPD type people are very good at attracting the type of spouses and friends required to allow then to continue with minimal challenge. My father was an emotionally distant big tough guy with the kids, but a huge wimp with my mother. He did NOTHING to challenge my mothers alcoholism emotional and physical abusiveness. When I hit my early teens (youngest of 4 kids) my father started to soften, got more emotional and began to complain about some of the same issues I had with my moms abusiveness, tantrums and general irresponsibility. I started to think I had someone that could help. NOPE! Never trust an enabler. One day I challenged my mother during one of her tantrums while my father was home. He came out of nowhere, tossed me across the room like a rag doll, started to choke me out and said if I ever disrespect my mother like that again he would kill me. There was my first lesson on the fact that the non BPD spouse can be just as invested in maintaining the status quo as the BPD spouse. I think very rarely are they truly a passive victim. That's why its so hard for the non-BPD, or maybe even impossible for them to change the situation or intervene by themselves. They are an integral and necessary ingredient to the awfulness. Yin and Yang, drug dealer to drug user. They "picked" each other because they need each other to pacify whatever pathology exists inside their silly heads.