Values are what bring distinction to your life. You don't find them, you choose them. And when you do, you're on the path to fulfillment.
Verified by Psychology Today
Both monogamous and polyamorous people live in the same prevailing culture. Same with heterosexual and homosexual people.
Saying, "My Primary comes first" is no different than saying, "I have my kids on the weekend," or, "I prefer red wine." That doesn't mean I will never put myself out for my other partners needs, it doesn't mean I will never amend my visitation schedule, and it doesn't mean I will never drink a beer. It is just a shorthand for communicating one's general practice.
Co-opting and misusing the sociological term Privilege is damaging to the struggle for intersectionality in feminism, basic civil rights for sexual orientation, and for race relations. That is my primary point about arguing against the way Couple Privilege is white-washing sweat equity.
I am black, queer, and non-monogamous. I spent years actively trying to only be in secondary relationships. There has never been a day in my life where couples have received unearned privileges that warrant consideration in comparison to the un earned Privileges of Heterosexual Privilege and White Privilege.
Having a relationship with someone that has a primary relationship is no different than having a relationship with someone who has a kid. You have to be respectful of your context and open to loving the individual for who they are. Over time relationships change, needs and desires change, that is what being in a relationship is.
Your example of not having an opportunity to accrue sweat-equity toward being a primary-partner is like saying adjunct-professors aren't really professors. I feel like the entire concept of this article is pointing out that there are many ways to approach having a relationship--why would drop that standard of, "you do you," when talking about being involved with an existing relationship?
If you want to be on primary track you can look for those people. If you want to be secondary you can look for those people. It is hypocritical to accuse people of being bad actors because you don't want to be in the type of relationship they think they want. What about the solo-poly people who don't want to be on the primary track?
What are they and how do they stay together without recognizable commitment?
Flexible relationships provide support for adults and children.
Five ways to distinguish these similar-sounding relationship types
Get the help you need from a therapist near you–a FREE service from Psychology Today.