Well, I get you too. Maybe. Just a sense from what you wrote.
You talk about dissociation and going into that state to sort of like tune out or tune it all out or to veg? That you know it’s not healthy. You ask regards to therapists? That’s tricky. It’s like being single. You’re trying to find that “right” and honest and nurturing and compassionate person who’s going to be in your corner. It’s like looking for a unicorn. If you go that direction, it’s expensive, and it can be frustrating too as you find discontent with therapist after therapist. You’d need to find one (unicorn?) that is just right for you. And with many of them I’m not much impressed! (No offense to those who might be reading). My own particular brand of “shit mess” is C-PTSD and PTSD. This amounts to endless bad learning as a child, low self esteem, self worth, lack of identity and subsequently being unable to establish good and healthy boundaries with others. I’m an empathized. Abusers can literally pick me out at a glance. I’ve been targeted over and over. My issues with trust are great. C-PTSD results from long term repeated trauma such as suffered from dealing with these abusives, covert aggressives/ narcissists. I found a very good book called “Stalking the Soul” by Hirigoyen that was completely spot on it has me right there in the pages. She’s French and the books translated but she gets me better than any therapist I’ve found except the other one here. I found a very helpful podcast on the web at narcissismfree dot com. The therapist is Kaleah LaRoche and the podcast title is Pandora’s box. In particular, of immense help to me was her podcast on narcfree titled “Post Traumatic Stress and Anxiety”. It’s 35 minutes long and it was basically a life changer for me! I actually listen to that one daily to internalize and memorize the concepts. It’s IMHO, relavent to just about anyone with / who’s suffered bad experiences which I think leads to an unhealthy and unfulfilling attachment style. It talks of where it all started, the core wounds, it talked about your unhealthy beliefs of deep unworthy ness. It talks of getting in touch with your feelings, embracing them, not dissociation and just being numb to ease the pain! Do you want to live that hell of blankness and deep void Kay? I don’t think you do. I sure as hell don’t. It goes on to inspire. And to advise. It’s just so beneficial to me I could go on and on. A must listen!!! And there’s tons of her other podcasts and monthly letters on her website above. I literally devoured it. Mine is a painful reality. My past I can not change. What I can do is understand that it was not my fault. I can stop blaming myself for shit that wasn’t my shit. I can forgive myself. I can work on trusting myself first then hopefully at some point trusting others. But I’m not stupid or ignorant any longer and no I won’t put up with hurtful, abusive, minimizing and undermining behavior any longer. I didn’t understand before. Once you understand abusers and every facet of how they operate, then you are empowered to protect yourself. You disconnect at the earliest warning signs of mind f*ckery etc and you close the gates and protect yourself. You learn to surround yourself with love and caring and positive people not takers and users. Once you understand abuse you can’t unknow or unsee! And maybe once you get healthier, and learn to love yourself, accept and put your past behind you, figure out that « Hey, I don’t need to let that ruin any more of (the rest of) my life. I can learn, I can grow, I can change, I can love and appreciate myself and my so many positive traits and abilities. That old me may somewhat define the current me and maybe my current attachment style but it doesn’t need to define the new me and the future healthier me and I will get there because I can and I must and it’s giungbyo be hard but I’m going and I will learn to love myself, to live and to make healthy choices that build me not break me, and hopefully I’ll be happy. I hope this has helped you. Know that you are not alone. I know you’re suffering and so am I! But there is hope. Remember « Andy » in Shawshank Redemption ». He says it’s time to get busy living or get busy dying. Make the choice Kat. Your future isn’t determined necessarily by your part. Maybe that attachment style that’s troubling you is not set in stone. Remember. There is hope!