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I agree with you about your most recent comment Susan. I think anger is often a cover for other emotions or a secondary emotion. However if I am in a state of anger and I say "I'm hurt" or "I'm sad" that's an obvious cover too. If my face is red, my voice is strong, my eyes are wide, most people I'm in contact with will assume I am angry, and to say "I'm hurt" or "I'm confused" is basically lying on the most obvious level. Maybe deeper down I am hurt or confused, but at the apparent level I'm angry. And to say anything else comes off as inconsistent and to me that inconsistency ruins intimacy. I think it would be more productive to admit the anger, let it go, then let the deeper hurt or guilt or confusion come up and admit then when it matches with how I feel on the surface. Also I think most people avoid admitting when they are angry more often than admitting other emotions anyway, society pushes it into men and women that "anger is bad" when really it's a productive emotion signalling a need for change or action whether it is primary or secondary. We need to learn to admit it more than any other emotion in my opinion, if it invites defensiveness that may be a risk I will have to take to make sure honesty and intimacy is not compromised. But I've found admitting anger doesn't make the world end, and most strong people appreciate it more than defend themselves, as long as it's done in a vulnerable and not accusatory way. E.g "When you said ___ I felt my face get warm and I am angry thinking about it"
Anger and hatred–or compassion? What feelings does bpd evoke for you?
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