My mother was down a lot, she was also up at times and we went on some nice days out; I have to get that in so I don't feel bad about the next bit. She controlled the mood of the house, declaring often that she wanted to be dead and that she wanted us dead with her. Not sure if this was attention seeking but she would gaze upwards, smile wistfully and say, "ah, if only the roof would cave in and kill us all". There was one about a bus mounting the pavement but I can't put that into text, just in case fate thinks I'm talking about my own next of kin. Despite us being happy children she assumed we would be happier dead. I wouldn't have dreamed of telling people what she was saying, I was very loyal. I also remember her strange outbursts (she didn't usually shout) revolving independant behaviour. I had dressed myself one morning at age 7 ready for a doctors appointment and waited for her to see, assuming she would be impressed. She walked into the room and began yelling at me, asking me was I doing this for the man? The man? The new doctor; replacing our old one who died suddenly. I was frozen to the spot not knowing what to say but such a notion was nonsense. Again when I was 11 after having 2 back teeth removed for a brace, I left the dental surgery with my parents and linked my father's arm (he worked away so this wouldnt have happened often). She walked behind us on the high street calling out. "Oh, this is for the man...its because the man is here, of course". It wasnt. I grew into a self loathing woman who would have her very first date at 30 with a man who would become abusive. I have been bulimic on and off for 23 years and I have barely worked. She doesn't like the idea of me working, I have a child of 12 and what I have written is but a fraction!