“How could you do this to me” is actually the perfect question to ask. Not wanting to hurt the person you love and who should be able to trust you is really the most basic compact in a committed relationship. Someone who is willing to do that is really the problem in the relationship — whether you’re talking about sex or other betrayals. I actually think it’s an important thing for people to remember when deciding to stay in a marriage after a betrayal — it’s not just about the sex, it’s about that person being capable of doing that TO YOU.
By the way, I also believe this to be relevant when it comes to withholding of affection or sex or physical or emotion abuse. It’s not that difficult to get over some of the physical aspects of some betrayals, but why would you ever want to be with someone who could do those things to you.
Life is way too short.