I think your analysis of the dynamics of your relationship with your mother is right on! Although I-statements can sometimes be useful, in your situation these kinds of statements direct too much responsibility to you when it is your mother who needs to assume more responsibility for keeping your relationship healthy.

One of our major responsibilities in a healthy relationship is allowing the other person to be himself/herself instead of trying to control them. This responsibility can be avoided by being either excessively passive (which is an attempt to make the other person take care of you) or excessively intrusive (which takes the form of questioning or intimidating). When people are excessively passive or intrusive, using an I-statement is the last thing you want to do. It's better to use you-statements that indicate what the person needs to do to be more responsible. And being direct about the consequences if they fail to act appropriately is also a good message to send. This is not guaranteed to make them change (because nobody can really control another's behavior), but it gives them a chance to behave more appropriately in the relationship.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience, which illustrates what can be wrong with I-statements.

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