Why are so many people drawn to conspiracy theories in times of crisis?
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In my twenty years of teaching, I have received 18 exceptional reviews and two very poor ones with being let go due to them. One of those bosses that let me go just a year prior gave me a 100 percent perfect rating and called me a natural-born teacher, the next year he dropped the review so low it was disgusting. Other than those two reviews I have A+ ratings for 18 teaching years. That one review from that boss, who just one year ago, said I was a natural-born teacher has affected me so badly, it has hurt my thoughts on an almost everyday basis. I feel like I now suffer from I.S. I just got hired this year to teach. I feel like I'm doing a good job, but in the back of my head I hear, "You better work harder. Getting fired can happen again. Go way above and beyond to prove everyone wrong." I have been putting in so many hours my house is getting dirty and I'm tired everyday. I feel like my new boss is gonna discover that I wasn't a good hire after all. I fear this constantly and I feel like I can never relax. It's weird because before that really bad evaluation, I seemed more confident, relaxed, and maybe at times cocky. Was it just being more youthful? Or is this daily mentality that I recently (past two years) have just acquired I.S.? Is my fear related to being older (49 years old?). Am I just fearful of agism if I get canned again? My husband even tries to be supportive and says I'm being silly. Why has that one firing of me bruise me so bad??? Everyday I say things in my head like, "Maybe that one boss that fired me was simply the one who caught you being a fake teacher?" It's a horrible mentality to live with. I can keep it hidden well. It does take a lot of energy to fake being super competent, happy, and bulletproof to others.
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