I sometimes have flashbacks during sex when I relive part of my abuse. I have learnt to stay with the flashback and when I feel able I tell my partner to stop. My emotional state has then become very different and I talk with her about how I feel. She does not judge my experiences as abhorrent, disgusting or evil. At the same time she was doing something that reminded me of what my rapist did. At this time I am losing my arousal quickly and am feeling sad and like a child. I do not mind her condemning the rapist, I do that myself. Instead, she wants us to form new memories together and over time this is having a positive effect on me. I hesitate to tell my partner to stop during a flashback since I can see she is aroused and enjoying herself. However, I become increasingly distressed and she adjusts quickly and comforts me.

I see nothing wrong in my childhood responses to being raped by a teenager experimenting with his power and sexuality. My experiences with him made me want him to get me aroused again. That is not to do with sexuality, since I had no control over my body. He is not in my thoughts when I am having sex and I am not thinking of anyone other than my partner. I would be concerned if I was thinking of anyone else, man or woman. I want my partner to express her feelings, but not in a way that makes me feel bad about my past. I have gradually learned to trust her and accept her love. When I acknowledge it I become emotional and upset, but this is decreasing over time and I am becoming more able to express my feelings for her. It is difficult for me to accept unconditional love from anyone after years of suppressing my feelings and isolating myself.

More Posts