Implementing Amy Schumer’s Orgasm Advice
How-to tips to advocate for your own orgasm.
Posted Oct 26, 2015
Amy Schumer has been called an “orgasm activist.” She’s telling men everywhere to care about women’s orgasms and she’s telling women everywhere that they deserve orgasms. Quoting from an article in Huff Post Women:
Schumer said that when it comes to sex, a woman's orgasm should never be optional. “Do what you feel you want to do while also considering how you’ll feel the next day. Don’t not have an orgasm," she told Glamour. "Make sure he knows that you’re entitled to an orgasm. I like to say it. I’ll be like, ‘Hey, there are two people here.’ I’ll be like, ‘Oh my God, have you met my clit?’ Don’t be self-conscious.” It's never too late to make new friends — even when that friend is a woman's clitoris.
There’s actually both sex research and sex therapy wisdom supporting Amy’s advice. The only thing missing is instructions on how to implement her advice. That’s unfortunately the hard part. So, allow me to fill in the blanks by breaking Amy’s message down, line by line, with some psychologically-sound how-to tips:
- Do what you feel you want to do while also considering how you’ll feel the next day: Here Amy is talking about hook-up sex. Translating an APA summary on hook-up sex research into take-home advice, if you are like the vast majority of millennials, you’ve had some kind of hook-up experience after which you likely experienced a "kaleidoscope of emotions"—ranging from positive (e.g., glad you did it, proud, satisfied, desirable) to negative (regretful, embarrassed, disappointed, confused). When considering how you’ll feel the next day, the only guidance the research clearly gives is this: Engaging in penetrative intercourse with someone you've known for less than 24 hours and engaging in penetrative intercourse with someone only once is most predictive of feelings of regret. Still, this research summary contains an even more important take-home message: “Sexual development requires experimentation, including trial and error, good feelings and bad feelings.” In short, the only way you might know, as Amy says, how you’ll feel the next day is by trial and error and experimentation. So, learn from your experiences and be gentle with yourself.
In the research summary, something else really interesting emerged. That is, the better the sex, the less the regret. This takes us to Amy’s next point—making sure you have an orgasm.
- Don’t not have an orgasm. Make sure he knows that you’re entitled to an orgasm. To feel entitled to orgasm means to wholeheartedly believe that you deserve pleasure during sex and that your pleasure isn’t secondary to your partner’s pleasure—be that during relationship sex or casual sex. Holding this attitude is easier said than done, because you have the weight of social norms against you—a culture that prioritizes male orgasms over female orgasms, especially during casual sexual encounters. This is why men are having way more orgasms than are women. To close this gender orgasm gap, women must embrace the notion that their pleasure is EQUAL to their partner’s pleasure. That means holding clitoral stimulation (the way most women orgasm) and penetration (the way most men orgasm) equal in importance—and so on to Amy’s final point.
- Oh my God, have you met my clit?’ Don’t be self-conscious.” It's never too late to make new friends — even when that friend is a woman's clitoris.
clitoris is KEY to a woman’s orgasms. A very small percentage of women (about 3–10%) reliably orgasm from penetration alone. Instead, most women reach orgasm through manual stimulation or oral sex, or through pairing clitoral stimulation (with your hand or a vibrator) with intercourse. A thrusting penis alone just doesn’t cut it for most women. But, since a good percentage of movies and porn show women reaching orgasm from intercourse, too many young women and men think this is how women should reach orgasm. Know this isn’t true. Instead, figure out (through masturbation) what kind of clitoral stimulation you need to reach orgasm, and tell your partner this.
Finally, something else implied in Amy’s message (and that she’s said elsewhere) is that to enjoy sex you need to let go of body-shame. One key to banishing self-consciousness during sex and great sex itself is mindfulness: being able to immerse fully in the moment.
Amy Schummer is using her comedic genius to be an orgasm advocate. Now it’s up to you to take her advice and advocate for your own orgasm. It feels great, and Amy’s right: You deserve it and your clitoris and your communication are the key.
For additional tips to improve your body-image and your sex life, please check out my Letter to Sexually Active Young Heterosexual Women