When Kids Can't Take "No" for an Answer

Thirty-five plus years into this work in the trenches with families and I am still amazed at the lengths fierce and feisty kids will go to, how persistent and clever they can be, in pursuing their wants.

There's nothing wrong with pressing for their agenda; that's just human nature and to be expected. Any strategy that's successful in getting what they want is a tactic they're going to rely on, be it: wearing parents down with continued badgering; accusing the parent of being "mean," not listening to them, or loving their sibling more; making threats or having a major meltdown. These are all common reactions to kids being told "No" in some way, shape, or form.

As much as these kids want to yank their parents' chains and get a reaction, what they need is for their parents to ignore the provocation, show empathy for their child's disappointment or displeasure at the limit the parent is setting, and then hold said limit. That's what ends these unhealthy behaviors and interactions and leads to greater flexibility and self-regulation for the child.

Take the following scenario. Siena (4) wants to watch a show. Her mom, Laila, has told her that she can have her screen time after she does her job of putting her clothes away. This is a good parenting decision; Laila is teaching Siena that you get "extras" or privileges after you take care of your "have-tos" or responsibilities.

Naturally, Siena doesn't like or accept this limit and tries to draw her mom into this maddening transaction:

Siena (4): Can I watch a show?

Laila: Yes, after you put your clothes away.

Siena: You're not listening to me! You didn't answer my question!

Laila: I did answer your question (which she answers exactly as she had already done)

Siena: You're interrupting me! That's not nice. Stop interrupting me!

Laila: I'm not interrupting you.

Siena: Just say yes (to watching the show.) Don't say anything after that!

These episodes can go on for long periods, with Laila getting defensive: No, she's not interrupting; yes, she did answer the question (10 times!); no, she's not being mean; yes, of course she loves Siena...and so on.

Each response by Laila is fodder for Siena to keep at it. Absent a clear boundary, Siena fills the black hole with continued attempts to wear her mom down, hoping she'll let up on the limit.

The Solution

"Siena, I know how hard it is when you can't have something you want right away, and of course, you want to get us to change our minds. So here's how we're going to help you with that. When you ask for something, once we tell you our decision, we're going to say, "Final answer." That lets you know we're not changing our minds. We can't stop you from still asking, but we're not going to respond. We love you so much we aren't going to fight anymore."

Indeed, this is very tough to enact and takes a heavy dose of parents' self-control. Laila has found that it helps to move on to something productive, to show Siena that Laila isn't ignoring her, she's ignoring Siena's attempts to draw her into an ongoing power struggle: "I'm going to check out this puzzle. I'd love a helper when you're ready."

The bottom line question I ask myself in these situations is, what's the alternative? Continuing to respond to a child's accusation is the fuel that keeps this negative, unhealthy dynamic going.

For this family, it has led to fewer struggles and stress. While initially Siena tested and persisted, when her parents followed through with the "Final answer," the accusations and badgering abated.

And that's what loving, "gentle parenting" looks like with a big reactor.