When Excessive Praising of Kids Backfires

"We thought we were building Rohan's self-esteem by praising everything he did: how smart, clever, and athletic he is. But now, at 5, he has all this bravado and he's a braggart. I feel terrible saying this, but he's become an obnoxious know-it-all and constantly needs to top others, which is not working so well with his friends. If a child makes two goals, he'll say he made four, which is just not true. If someone shares a fact, say, about dinosaurs, he counters, 'I know the most about dinosaurs.' Now we're not sure what to do. Seems our approach backfired."

This is a phenomenon I hear about frequently from families. Many have sensitive kids who are very self-conscious and struggle with insecurity; they are constantly analyzing themselves in relation to others. Parents understandably want to build their kids, which they do by constantly praising them. This inadvertently gets internalized by these kids that they need to be the best all the time; they fear that if they don't make that goal, or get the correct answer, they will be disappointing mom or dad and may not be as loved or valued.

This dynamic can translate into children having a hard time being corrected. They insist they are right about something that is false, like that the Earth orbits the moon. They double down on their version of the facts because accepting the correction is experienced as a slight to their intelligence and self-worth.

What to Do?

• Move your focus from praise to process. Comment on the impact of their effort on them, not its impact on you: "You worked so hard to keep your eye on the ball, which helped you get that goal that felt so good to you" versus "You made so many goals! We are so proud of you!"
• Acknowledge their difficulty with not always being the best or the winner—that it’s something we all struggle with. We just have to learn to manage those moments if we want to be good teammates and have our friends have good feelings about us.
• When they exaggerate, don't call them out. That is shaming and almost always results in their digging themselves into a deeper hole. Instead, respond by giving voice to the underlying wish: "You like to make a lot of goals."
• Similarly, when your child makes false claims, don't correct. That forces kids into a corner; they more vehemently defend their position by getting increasingly illogical. Instead, try: "Hmm, interesting. I have different information about that—that it’s the moon that orbits the Earth." This makes it much more likely your child will process the information you're sharing, even if they don't admit it. These kids will do anything not to eat crow. You can also offer to be investigators together to see if you can find out more about the topic at hand. "Let's be detectives together to find out how the solar system works." Approaching it collaboratively, without shaming or focusing on who is "right" and "wrong," can open kids up to learning.

As always, the most effective parenting strategies are often the most counterintuitive; our knee-jerk reaction is to teach a lesson by schooling and correcting our kids, which often fuels the unwanted and unhealthy behavior. Addressing the underlying issues at play in a nonshaming way is what works.