Unpacking Male Sexual Baggage

“Men know they are sexual exiles. They wander the earth seeking satisfaction, craving and despising, never content. There is nothing in that anguished motion for women to envy.”- Social Critic, Camille Paglia

In American society we grow sexual neurosis like bacteria on a Petri dish. We are puritanical and hedonistic — simultaneously ashamed and proud of our sexual exploits. Our fantasy sex lives exceed our capacities, or conflict with our chosen circumstances. In short, we are sick with sexual confusion. As a result, most American men go through life’s journey with sexual carry-on baggage.

Some men harbor regrets about past sexual indiscretions. Others are preoccupied with their lack of sexual “success,” lamenting missed opportunities (real or imagined). Sexual shame and sexual score-keeping cause men to judge themselves by impossible standards. Damned if you accept a sexual invitation, and damned if you turn it down. Even worse, if you never seem to get invited.

Chronic shame and ambivalence cause men to obsess. It puts us in a sort of trance, at times leading to compulsive and/or reckless behavior. Normal attraction or arousal allow us to be sexual and think rationally at the same time - sometimes quickly and creatively. Just ask parents who have heard the pitter patter of little footsteps coming down the hall at inopportune times.

Neurotic arousal, however, (tainted with shame and ego) elevates our stupidity quotient. This is partly because mental processes have replaced biological processes as we evolved. Female mammals further down the evolutionary scale went into heat and males responded more bio-automatically. Sexual urges resided more in the primitive parts of the brain and were less driven by conscious thoughts.

These conscious thought patterns found in later homo sapiens may, themselves, be related to our evolution and survival of our species. Sigmund Freud (he was right on some things) touted the concept of “overdetermination.” This means that to assure survival we are predisposed to do more of an activity than necessary. We often eat more than our nutritional needs call for, to the point of gluttony. We have sex whether we intend to reproduce or not. The common denominator between food and sex is that they give us pleasure. Pleasure guarantees we will go back for more. Good for the species, at least up to the point we kill ourselves doing it.

It is very easy to cross the line from normal preoccupation with sex to compulsion. Chronic shame and ambivalence beget a tendency to seek sex compulsively. For some, this may manifest itself as sexual addiction.

An episode of “The Orville”, a Star Trek inspired sci-fi drama/comedy series, portrayed a crew member feeding his porn addiction via a virtual reality simulator. This activity infected the Starship’s operating system with a computer virus, shutting everything down. When he got caught, this alien crew member expressed shame in a way that made his inner turmoil sound very human. When asked, he described his experience:

“It is a call from deep within like a baby seeking its mother’s teat. It feels as though nothing else in the world matters but satisfying the urge and achieving the goal my body has demanded of me. Then, as quickly as it began, it is complete, leaving a worn-out shell in its wake. And the only feeling I am left with, the only thing I know, is that a death has occurred.”

In a way, a death has occurred. Compulsive or casual sex — whether in person or virtual — is like a phantom encounter with another human. It is a way of pretending to be intimate. When the pleasure stops, the connection dies. It is like junk food instead of a nutritious meal. It is OK occasionally and we can survive on it for a time, but we need more than that if we are to flourish.