Verified by 
Although the start of classes may seem like weeks away, many colleges are hosting summer orientations for their first-year students this month.
Now is the time to begin thinking about this important transition for teens with ADHD and how to make it a successful one. While young adults benefit from extra planning and support, they simultaneously balk at well-intentioned adult assistance in the process.
It’s the perfect storm of adolescent separation, burgeoning independence and delayed maturation of executive functioning skills. How can parents offer support and guidance for a successful launch with less arguing and more cooperation?
The foundation for a positive transition lies in accepting your son or daughter where they are and with the brain they have. Instead of wishing your teen was different, take a moment and assess where they are NOW, what they are capable of doing on their own, and where they still need your support. Executive functioning skills such as organization, planning, prioritizing, and initiation continue to develop until the age of 25 in neurotypical brains and 28 in ADHD brains—and this development is often uneven.
It’s typical for your daughter to be strong in personal hygiene and setting up social plans but weaker in straightening up her room. Or for your son to be better at getting to work on time than he is at remembering to do his chores. Take a moment to reflect on their strengths and identify their challenges.
Working together, keeping your own feelings in check, and noticing accomplishments along the way create the foundation for a successful, cooperative transition. You start by understanding that your teen with ADHD naturally gets easily overwhelmed and will need extra assistance from you to continue to simplify and organize this process.
It’s both scary and exciting to depart for college and this is a time of high emotion for everyone. Many folks with ADHD already struggle with emotional regulation and stress makes it worse.
Here are some tips to help you:
1. Collaborate on tasks. Young adults, especially those with ADHD, don’t especially like to be told what to do or how to do it. Working together improves buy-in and participation.
Pick a calm time (maybe after dinner) to plan to talk with your teen about what’s coming up and what’s needed. Ask them what they would like to be responsible for and what they want you to manage.
Make a master list and divide things into categories such as academics, college life (residential life issues, health forms, medication, bank account), supplies (dorm room furnishings, bedding, towels, clothing, toiletries), etc. to reduce overwhelm. Order the items by priority. Talk about how you can check in with them regularly about their progress and schedule these times. This way, you don’t feel like a reminder machine and they don’t feel ‘nagged.’
2. Promote self-control. Given the understandable stress surrounding this major life step, tensions run high. When you manage your feelings first before dealing with the situation at hand, you improve the likelihood for a better outcome. If you become dysregulated with a teen with ADHD, it’s like throwing kindling on a fire. Things will explode.
Talk with your teen about how to take a break from each other when emotions are escalating and how to come back together to discuss what’s going on. Follow the airline directions: You put on your oxygen mask before putting one on your child. Then everyone can breathe.
3. Notice accomplishments. It’s easy to focus on what’s NOT getting done, but it’s more helpful to folks with ADHD to pay attention to what they are doing. They’ve received so many negative messages in their lives about how they aren’t measuring up.
Right now, as they prepare to leave home, they need to feel good about who they are and what they are doing well. Acknowledge when they are making progress, not just finishing something. It’s the efforting we want to validate so they keep trying and, ultimately, complete a task.
4. Establish a plan with learning support services. Letting a teen with ADHD know that there are learning support services available at their school usually isn’t enough. Make an appointment with an advisor and set up a program for the fall, even if your son or daughter doesn’t think they need it. Sadly, I’ve now seen too many kids fail during their first semester of college because their parents didn’t insist on them using available resources.
Advocate for the importance of having this plan at least for the fall when everything is new and making friends is a course unto itself. If things go well, then they can scale back next semester. But initially, most new students with ADHD or LD benefit from the assistance in planning a study schedule, getting academic support and navigating deadlines.
Most of all, practice patience and keep realistic expectations. This is a momentous time for all of you. Some days will go better than others. Stay as steady as you can, stick with your collaborative plan, and calmly re-direct when things veer off course.
