The Double-Edged Sword of Self-Sacrifice

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I listened to a mother recount an incident involving her violent adult son, who still lived with her. This was one of many conversations we’d had about the importance of setting boundaries, but every time, she responded with feelings of guilt. While I validated her emotions, it became clear that her inaction was enabling her son’s behavior.

On this particular day, I felt a deep sense of empathy—mixed with frustration—on her behalf. No longer willing to conspire with these destructive patterns, I shared a quote from Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön:

“The third near enemy of compassion is idiot compassion. This is when we avoid conflict and protect our good image by being kind when we should definitely say ‘no.’ Compassion doesn’t only imply trying to be good. When we find ourselves in an aggressive relationship, we need to set clear boundaries. The kindest thing we can do for everyone concerned is to know when to say ‘enough.’ Many people use Buddhist ideals to justify self-debasement. In the name of not shutting our heart, we let people walk all over us. It is said that in order not to break our vow of compassion, we have to learn when to stop aggression and draw the line. There are times when the only way to break down barriers is to set boundaries.”

Self-sacrifice is often viewed as a noble act—parents giving up their dreams for their children, caregivers devoting themselves entirely to others. While these sacrifices are honored as expressions of human compassion, beneath this surface lies a complex reality. Self-sacrifice, despite its perceived nobility, can cause profound harm. If you’ve ever flown, you know the instruction to “put on your own mask before helping others.” Yet, many of us would rather drown than ensure our own survival first.

I see this often. Some people are angry that they’re being taken advantage of, while others give endlessly in the hope of getting their own needs met. Some feel too vulnerable to ask for help, so they don’t. At its core, self-sacrifice is about prioritizing others over ourselves, often out of a sense of duty or societal pressure. But constant self-sacrifice can take a serious toll—mentally and physically. When we consistently put others first, we risk losing our sense of self, neglecting our boundaries, and facing burnout.

One client comes to mind: a woman who identifies as queer but hides her true self from her family for fear of rejection and abandonment. She contemplates leaving her partner to maintain the illusion of "unconditional love" from her family. Many people feel that self-sacrifice is a small price to pay to avoid losing love or approval. But is it? I always acknowledge the open-heartedness and humanity in my clients, never discouraging compassion. My goal, however, is to help them embrace their own needs, which is an act of compassion in itself. When we nurture compassion for ourselves, we cultivate the empathy needed to connect with others authentically. By acknowledging and meeting our own needs, we become better able to extend true understanding to those around us.

I once worked with a man who valued his self-sacrifice but grew frustrated when his needs were ignored. He eventually stopped being generous because he felt unappreciated. As we explored this further, it became clear that his constant giving had led others to believe his needs didn’t matter. One of the most damaging effects of self-sacrifice is the resentment that builds over time. When we give from a place of duty or selflessness without receiving, it can damage relationships and drain us emotionally.

In some cases, habitual self-sacrifice fosters unhealthy dependency in relationships. When someone consistently puts others first, others may begin to rely on that individual for support, creating an imbalance. This can blur boundaries and entangle someone's identity with their role as a caregiver or provider.

Furthermore, self-sacrifice doesn't just affect individuals; it can also impact societal structures. In the workplace, for example, employees who sacrifice their well-being to meet deadlines may unintentionally perpetuate a culture of overwork and burnout. Similarly, within communities, the expectation of self-sacrifice can reinforce traditional gender roles or societal norms, stifling personal growth and autonomy.

Self-sacrifice is not inherently virtuous. While there are moments where sacrificing for the greater good is commendable, it’s equally essential to prioritize our own needs, establish healthy boundaries, and practice self-compassion. True altruism should not come at the expense of one’s own well-being.

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To conclude, though self-sacrifice is often celebrated, its impact can be harmful if we neglect ourselves. By balancing compassion for others with self-care, we foster healthier relationships and create a more compassionate society.

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