Do You Worry About Your Sexual Performance?

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Few aspects of life are as infested with mythology and taboos as sex. I'm not talking here about all the sexual inhibitions we carry in our culture. In fact, many of these inhibitions tend to occur spontaneously as we grow up, even without the help of a restrictive moral or religious education. What I am primarily referring to is pretty much the opposite: the belief, pushed by films and other media, that sex, to be good enough and fulfilling, needs to be very frequent, powerful, varied, surprising, orgasmic, and athletic. This is a myth.

I'm not going to deny that sex, like all else in life, can be good or bad, and that there are technical factors that will influence this. But most consensual sexual encounters can be at least reasonably pleasurable, and the factors involved in the experience will be closely related to the meaning of the encounter (or lack of it, as it may be), rather than to the technical abilities of the participants. For example, a Chinese study, published some time ago, found that a partner's wealth predicted self-reported orgasm in a sample of women. The authors saw this as evidence that female orgasm has an evolutionary function, by increasing the probability of conception with a more "desirable" male. In this case, at least, the technical sexual abilities of the participants had nothing to do with the outcome. In another study involving 99 women, the level of satisfaction in their relationship was found to be a predictor of treatment response during cognitive behavioral sex therapy. The better the relationship was at baseline, the more the participants were able to benefit from cognitive behavioral sex therapy.

Obviously, a physiological obstacle, such as dyspareunia (pain during sex) or erectile difficulties, are problems that will need addressing, sometimes with medical interventions, but, even in those instances, sex can survive without penetration.

Normalize Concerns and Expectations

First of all, we need to avoid placing our aims and expectations too high. Real sex is as far removed from Hollywood sex as is any other component of daily life, whereas pornography paints an even more distorted view. Amazing fireworks are not the norm. And most people don't have a very complex repertoire of sexual moves.

A survey of women seeking routine gynecological care found that almost all of them had significant sexual concerns, ranging from lack of desire to abuse and coercion. They needed help and support with their concerns, but the knowledge that they were not alone, or even rare in this respect, would undoubtedly help them. (It goes without saying, however, that abuse and coercion should not be tolerated or accepted.) Beyond this, the perfect, unattainable, passionate, athletic, and steamy sex portrayed in the media has a perverse effect, comparable to the idea of happiness as a reachable objective for the well-adjusted. These myths and expectations can't survive contact with reality. In other words, the sexual wonders portrayed in films and in porn will make many feel worse about their own common and legitimate sexual concerns.

Erectile issues still carry the stigma of "impotence," which literally means "inability" or "lack of power." It is as if whoever came up with this expression wanted to give it a particularly emasculating significance. Erectile problems are sometimes associated with medical issues, depression, or aging, but, often, they have a psychological origin that, once again, could be made worse by the idea that everybody else is having amazing sex all the time.

We also need to be less worried about what should constitute a normal frequency for sexual encounters. A recent survey showed that most people believe that others are having sex far more frequently than is the case.

Relax and Enjoy

Sex is supposed to be fun, even for those whose religious beliefs prescribe a primarily reproductive function to it. Anxiety has a detrimental effect on the mechanics of sex, as well as on our ability to enjoy it. So seek professional help if needed, by all means, but, in any case, normalize your expectations, stop thinking that others are having incredible sex all the time, and avoid specific goals to combat "performance anxiety." Work on the quality of your relationship as a whole, and then enjoy the encounter as much as you can.