You Can’t Make Everyone Happy

I often hear from clients that they feel a need to prioritize the comfort of others over their own health and wellness. I hear these clients express worry about others rejecting them or being thought of negatively if they are not consistently trying to make others happy.

You may fall into these patterns as well.

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Do you tend to repeatedly put the needs of others in front of your own?

You may feel like you need to take on the majority of tasks at home, work, or in relationships in an effort to make others happy or view you in a positive light. These patterns of people-pleasing likely result in forgoing giving yourself enough time to rest, thereby draining you mentally, physically, and emotionally.

In general, it’s reasonable for you to put the needs of others in front of your own at times, but If this is your default setting, it can stop you from asking for help or taking care of yourself when you really need to.

Reflection questions

Think of a time when you felt like you were inconveniencing someone else because you needed to ask for their help.

• What made you feel like you were being an inconvenience?
• What negative emotions did you experience when you thought you might be inconveniencing that person?
• What made you assume that the other person would feel inconvenienced?
• What previous experiences have you had that led you to feel a negative way about asking for help?
• What experiences taught you that you need to avoid asking for help from others?

It’s likely that you learned, maybe from a young age, that people responded to you in a positive way when you figured things out on your own, or you helped them more than they needed to help you. These experiences likely reinforced your beliefs that you need to help others more than you ask for help.

In general, people tend to want to feel like they’re needed. This means they likely want to provide support and demonstrate that they are also caring people. If we feel like we can't let them help us, they may end up feeling as though they are not needed.

Now, there are certainly levels to asking for help. This is often gauged based on the strength and proximity of your relationship. For example, you likely wouldn’t ask a brand new friend to help you move. (Almost no one enjoys moving.) However, in general, many would likely be more than happy to support you with acts of kindness.

Check on the health of your relationship

If you are in any type of relationship where you are consistently worried about someone viewing you in a negative light because you ask for help, it might be an indication that you’re in an unhealthy relationship. This could be with a family member, a partner, or a work colleague.

If others respond to you in a consistently negative way when you ask for help or if they respond in an inconsistent way, meaning you don’t know if they’re going be helpful or try to shame you, then this likely has more to do with them than it does with you.

• Ask yourself, how would I expect a person with a healthy mindset to respond to this request?

Whether they accept the request or not, you would likely expect that someone with a healthy mindset would respond in a kind and or thoughtful way.

Change your perspective

Often times we are more critical of ourselves than we are of others.

We might burden ourselves with the thought that we need to make others happy and that it’s our duty to change how others feel.

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But, the only person’s emotions that you are 100% responsible for or could hope to have control over are your own.

We cannot control the inner experiences of anyone else, and to put the pressure on yourself to do so is unrealistic and unfair.

When blaming ourselves for something or hesitating to ask for help, it can often be important to step outside of our own perspective and ask, "What would I say to a loved one if they were experiencing the same doubts?"

You likely wouldn’t criticize or shame them. So catch when you criticize or shame yourself.

In summary:

• You can’t make everyone happy.
• You are allowed to ask for help.
• If you are getting negative responses from others, reflect on how that may have more to do with them than you.
• Step outside of your self-focus to reflect on how you would expect a healthy person to respond to a request and when you would expect them to ask for help.