Where Did You Learn to Feel Less Than?

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. As a coach and psychologist, I'm glad we highlight the importance of mental health in this way. I would encourage that we remain focused on our mental health every month, because I consistently hear clients tell me about experiences that have chipped away at their confidence and mental health.

Sometimes they don't even notice when they make statements that discount their accomplishments or worth. For example, a client will say, "There's a new project I could propose, but I don't think it will be good enough, so I won't bother." I will then gently draw their attention to how they seamlessly discounted their value, and often hear back, "Oh, I didn't even notice I did that," or "I do that all the time."

This type of thinking can be dangerous to your mental health because when you doubt your worth or lack confidence you may stay in relationships (e.g. professional, familial, intimate) that are unhealthy.

Source: Alexander JT / Unsplash

Take a moment to reflect on the last time you discounted one of your thoughts or achievements.

• Did you tell yourself you said the wrong thing in a text when you got a curt reply?
• Did you tell yourself you weren't good enough because your contributions were downplayed or ignored?

There are many acts of bravery in these scenarios. Including sending the text in the first place, speaking up in a meeting, and doing good work.

• When you discounted yourself, what made it hard to validate your acts of bravery?

Where did you learn to discount your worth?

When reflecting on where you are now and where you have been in your life, when did you feel like you were stuck in situations in which you were made to feel less than?

Think about work environments, relationships (e.g. familial, friend, romantic, professional), and conversations in which you felt trapped, belittled, discarded, and discouraged.

• What part of those encounters or environments left you feeling like you were not seen as an equal?
• Were these repeated interactions?
• Was this negative messaging coming from one person or many?

What made you accept poor treatment from others?

When you recognize that you have been accepting poor treatment you can start to uncover what beliefs and experiences likely led you there. Think about what you did in each situation in which you felt less than.

• What led you to take action or to to not take action?
  • What happened when you did try to advocate for yourself?
    • If there was a negative outcome, did you get through it?
• How does it benefit you to expect a negative outcome?

Notice what you are saying to yourself

You can feel stuck in situations in which others treat you poorly. Those situations may start to chip away at your self-confidence if you let them seep into your thoughts about yourself, others, and the world. You may have internalized negative messages you heard others say about themselves or you. It's crucial that you notice what you are saying to yourself, as your thoughts are not facts.

1. When you feel your mood shift in a negative way (e.g. you start feeling sad, mad, annoyed, angry, frustrated) try to catch the thought that was going through your mind.
2. Notice if your negative thoughts are telling you that you are not worthwhile, that you can't do better, that you are alone, that you failed, or that you are not good enough.
3. Try to look at that negative thought in a more balanced way, showing yourself the same kindness you would give to a loved one.

Instead of:

• "I really messed that up, I'm so stupid."

You might kindly and truthfully say to yourself:

• "I made a mistake and did something stupid; that doesn't mean I'm stupid, it means I'm human. I can learn and grow from this."

Being human is hard. Navigating interpersonal relationships is almost always complicated. Because humans are complicated.

You may feel stuck in a toxic work environment, trapped in fraught intimate relationship, or be estranged from your family.

Be kind to the you from the past who was doing their best. And be kind to the current you who is still not perfect at standing up for themself.

Be brave, and allow yourself to:

• notice and challenge your negative thoughts
• recognize that your thoughts are not facts
• set boundaries with people who are unkind
• leave environments that chip away at your health (physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually)