Why Is It So Hard to Accept Help?

As a coach and a psychologist I have had the privilege to meet with remarkably thoughtful people who are working to gain insights into themselves, including their thoughts, emotions, and patterns of behavior. Many of these individuals have impressive personal and professional achievements. And each one of them has put in effort to earn their achievements.

I often hear these individuals talk about the importance of teamwork and how they tell others how helpful it can be to ask for help and to utilize the support that is offered. Therefore, it was initially somewhat perplexing when I also heard these individuals say that it's okay for others to receive help, but that they can't accept help from others. They frequently go on to explain how they need to do things on their own.

These individuals have often climbed proverbial mountains to build up their careers, their families, and their lives.

They've told themselves that they can't just climb, they have to climb perfectly and completely on their own.

Source: Billy Onjea / Unsplash

Someone climbing near them may offer them a tool or water to support them on their journey. And time and time again the individual will say that they can't accept that help, because it would mean that they are weak or a failure if they can't climb the mountain on their own.

The kicker is that they likely can climb the mountain on their own and they've likely been doing so most of their lives. But doing so has also come at a cost to their emotional, mental, and physical wellbeing. Sure, they don't need the tool that the other person offered them, but that likely means when their gloves wear thin from climbing without support, they will be ripping away their skin and nails just to hang on. They may be in pain from thirst, simply because they felt they needed to do it on their own.

Our willingness to accept help can be the difference between us getting to the top of the mountain in one piece or battered and bruised. Accepting help can also make a difference in whether we get to the top of the mountain at all.

As you read this, do you recognize any of your own patterns?

• What are you currently doing on your own that is wearing you down?

In the journey of your life:

• What experiences taught you that you shouldn’t ask for or accept help?
• What did asking for help cost you, physically, mentally, or emotionally?
• What did not asking for help cost you, physically, mentally, or emotionally?

You have thousands of thoughts each day. Some of those thoughts are likely helpful and some may be unhelpful. Our unhelpful thoughts can lead us to believe that we don't deserve help, or that it’s not okay to ask for help, or that help won't be given if we do ask for it.

• What negative beliefs (e.g. “I'm a failure”) or thoughts (e.g. "I should be able to do this on my own.") stop you from utilizing the support of those around you?
• What would it say about you if you asked for or accepted help?

Oftentimes when we are climbing, it can be hard to ask for help, however we may be more than willing to offer help to others.

If you saw someone who needed a tool or water as they climbed up a mountain, and someone was offering to help them, what would you tell them to do?

• Would you tell them that they should go thirsty or physically suffer when they don’t need to?
• Or would you likely encourage them to accept the support being offered?
• Would you think they were a complete failure or completely worthless if they accepted the help?

We are often harsher on ourselves than others. When it is hard to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to ask for and accept help, ask yourself:

• What would you say to a loved one if you saw them being worn down by feeling like they need to do things on their own?

You deserve help and support. Everyone does. And not because you've "earned it," but because you have inherent value. You matter and are worthy of help, simply because you exist. You don't have to earn the right to get support.