Last week I posted my Ten Hard-Learned Dating Tips. Now, here's my Ten Hard-Learned Relationship Tips.
As I said last week, I don't think any man who gets married for the first time at age 45 can call himself a relationship guru. But despite making mistakes throughout my thirties and early forties, I did pick up a few things along the way.
So, for what it's worth, here's ten behaviors that helped a lot as my wife and I transitioned from "dating" to "serious relationship."
1. Respond to your partner's texts and email messages as quickly as possible. Fast replies make coordination easy and create trust.
2. Develop good habits early in the relationship. Answer emails quickly, do household chores consistently, bring flowers regularly, give frequent backrubs. When you go through difficult patches, good habits will help you weather them.
3. Cook together. It doesn't have to be fancy. There's a real pleasure in cooking meals together that are good and nutritious.
4. All couples have arguments and fights. You're different people with different backgrounds and perspectives. Conflicts are inevitable. What's important is how you resolve the conflict. Listen, admit errors, make changes, and check in afterwards to make sure the issue really has been resolved.
5. Big issues such as sex and money are rarely "resolved" after a few conversations. It can take months or longer to figure out complex issues. If the underlying trust and affection is there, be patient and let things sort themselves out.
6. Anger is often rooted in fear rather than aggression. Be compassionate when your significant other is angry.
7. Always keep the lines of communication open. Even if you're having a conflict, keep talking and answering emails. If you need time out to think, be sure to tell your partner you're still there and will be back.
8. If the relationship starts getting serious, look up a list of issues that couples should discuss, such as this one from the New York Times. You should know sooner rather than later of dealbreakers on issues like children, religion, career, and money.
9. All relationships have ups and downs, on cycles ranging from hours to years. If you have a solid foundation, you can weather them.
10. Pay attention to the little things. If your partner likes a certain soda, make sure there's always some in the house. The little things say you're taking care of her.
11 (bonus). Accept your partner for what she is, not for what you want her to be.
Michael Chorost is the author of WORLD WIDE MIND: THE COMING INTEGRATION OF HUMANITY, MACHINES, AND THE INTERNET. It's due in bookstores in February 2011. Believe it or not, the book has a lot to say about dating. One of its subplots is the story of how the author met his wife.
