How Unsolicited Advice Harms Your Relationships

When a friend, family member or client brings up a problem or dilemma they are facing, our natural instinct is to swoop in and provide suggestions for how they will overcome it.

We think, “I know just the thing that will help this individual move forward.” Yes, you have great ideas, but in offering unsolicited advice you may be hurting the relationship.

Source: Anna Vander Stel / Unsplash

Stop for a second and think about how you respond to unsolicited advice. When was the last time you were lamenting about a recent struggle and someone immediately jumped in with an “obvious” solution. How did it feel?

We make the mistake of thinking that providing input or advice will motivate the other person into action. However, communication experts will tell you that it often does just the opposite. And even worse, ultimately doing so can damage the relationship.

Still to this day when my mom starts a sentence with “You know what you should do is…” I’ve already made up my mind that I’m going to do the exact opposite. Am I a rebel or just human?

What people often want more than your advice is a listening, empathetic and compassionate ear. They want a safe, judgment-free space to share what’s on their heart and mind. They want you to say, “Gosh, that’s really hard.”

Motivational interviewing (MI) is a way to speak with someone about change, which allows you to build motivation by drawing out their reasons and ideas. Miller and Rollnick, the founders of MI, explain that when someone is on the fence about change, they don’t want to be told what to do. MI experts refer to our desire to swoop in with advice for others as our “fixing reflex.”

The “fixing reflex” sounds like:

• “You know what worked for me when I was in a similar situation? What I did was…”
• “Have you tried meditation? I find that really helps with my stress.”
• “You know what you should do? You should…”
• “Could you try…?”

Even when we use “coulds” instead of “shoulds” to soften the advice-giving, we are still guilty of allowing our “fixing reflex” to take over. As a result, the person to whom we are speaking can feel belittled and pressured. In the past when you’ve given unsolicited advice, how has the other person responded?

Common responses include:

• “I’ve tried that, but it doesn’t work for me.”
• “I would do that, except…[insert reason why they think it won’t work]”
• “That’s a good idea, but…[insert reason why they think it won’t work]”
• “I mean I guess I could…but [insert reason why they think it won’t work]”

We all have a natural tendency to want to help by fixing, and in some, this “fixing reflex” is especially strong. Are you a “fixer”? If so, how is that impacting your relationships?

Now, it’s tempting for me to jump in with unsolicited advice on how to fix your “fixing” problem. But instead, I’m going to model what I might say to you if you were a friend who expressed concerns about their “fixing” nature.

You: Yes, now that I think about it, I do tend to want to jump in with advice when I’m talking to people. I don’t like that I do that.

Me: Oh, I know, it’s so hard to resist that urge when you feel like you have the perfect solution for someone. And you certainly can continue on in your “fixing” ways if you feel like it’s working for you. And if you feel like doing so is hurting your relationships, consider what you might say instead. What type of response do you think might be more helpful when you're in those situations? [insert your response…] If you’re feeling stuck, I can share some responses that some people find helpful…

Here are four strategies I just demonstrated in that single paragraph. When others in your life express a concern, ambivalence, struggle, or dilemna, instead of giving unsolicited advice, try these communication strategies:

1. Use reflective listening

Mirror back some of what they are saying to help the other person feel seen and heard. Using reflective listening communicates empathy.

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Example: I can tell you’ve really been wrestling with this problem.

2. Ask for their solutions or idea

Before jumping in with your own solutions remember to ask them first. The other person has likely been thinking about this dilemma for a while and may already have a list of possible solutions they’ve been contemplating. Find out what those are.

Example: What solutions have you already thought of?

3. Ask permission to share an idea

If you feel like the other person is really struggling to find a viable solution, and you think you might have something that could help, offer that idea. But always ask if they would like to hear it before offering the suggestion.

Example: I have one idea that may or may not work. Are you interested in hearing it?

4. Support their autonomy

The other person in the relationship knows the ins and outs of their life better than you. They know what will work and won’t work. In order to avoid sounding like you’re trying to talk them into something or persuade them in a certain direction, take the pressure off by communicating that you support them in making a change (or not) that’s best for them.

Example: It’s totally up to you in terms of how you want to move forward.